Brokeback Mountain

I saw Brokeback Mountain last night with Amanda and Ryan. It was a really good movie, but I am confused about what I am feeling. It was a beautiful story about two men who fall in love while working on the side of a mountain in Wyoming, herding sheep for a summer. Though they go their separate ways at the end of the summer, they find a way to keep in contact, though both get married and start families.

On the one hand, I am touched by the fact that, though they live hundreds of miles apart and see each other only a few times a year, they manage to maintain their love for one another. At the same time, I feel pain for them, not being able to spend their lives together. I also feel anger towards both of them, for not finding some way to make their relationship work as more than an occasional visit.

I'm also a little confused about the movie, and I think I'll have to see it a second time.

...and I've been in a mood since I saw it.

Miffed at Myself

Another weekend has passed, and I have yet t0 do anything of substance. I am starting to get really frustrated with myself. I had a tremendous list of things that I needed to get done this weekend, and I have hardly done any of them. I realize that there was a lot going on this weekend (as with every weekend); however, that's still no excuse for this habit I have of procrastination.

It doesn't help that today was really shitty. Today was the first day in a long time that I just wanted to crawl back in bed and start over tomorrow. I didn't get the stuff done that I needed to today, and other stuff going on made me crawl into bed about 4 o'clock, pull the blankets over my head, and wish for a new day.

Things did get better later in the day, though, when I met Amanda and Ryan for dinner and hanging out time. It was good for me to get out of the house and forget about the shit that was going down at this address earlier in the day.

Millie called to see if I was okay. I didn't sound happy when I left her a message earlier, and I'm not happy. I didn't expect my life to be like this. I thought I'd be rich and happy after college. Ha. So much for that idea.

That's it. I'm really tired, and I just got done with some homework for my online class a few minutes ago. I think I am going to put this day to rest and start fresh in the morning.

Goodnight.





"these memories, they're nothing but phantoms
empty husks of former exploits
dried up and brittle, ready
to blow away in the wind
in a cloud of dust"

Gone...

The rain drums angrily on the windowpane
reminding me that you are gone.

A chill breeze rushes in,
cutting my flesh like a razorblade.

I pull the blankets closer
wishing you were here to warm me

But you are gone.

Still In A Weird Mood

I don't know what it is, but I can't seem to shake this funk I'm in lately. I mean, it comes and goes depending on what's going on, but I haven't been really happy lately. I'm not really sure why that is. I think maybe I'm just tired, and need some time off from everything. Summer is only a few months away; I guess I'll just keep plugging away until then.

I can't motivate myself to do anything today. I slept in a bit and got up and had breakfast, but I just can't seem to get myself motivated to do anything else yet today. I know there is a ton of stuff I need to be doing, but I just can't seem to get up off the couch. I'm addicted to The West Wing, and it doesn't help that I bought two more seasons last night. I am just finishing up the first season, and I was almost free. Now I have seasons 2 and 3 that I will have to get into. Oh well.

I'm going to Brent's engagement dinner in a little bit. That's exciting. I really like everyone, but I'm just somewhat socially awkward at those events. I'm always afraid that I'm going to say something offensive or something personal that I shouldn't, and embarass myself and everyone else. I don't know why I get like that. These people are like family, as a matter of fact, they have been my adopted family for over ten years. So why do I still feel a bit uncomfortable around them? I just can't figure it out. Maybe it's just that I want them to like me so much, and I'm afraid that they will find something about me that they don't like and stop talking to me. God, I'm such a drama queen sometimes.

The rain changed to snow sometime during the night. I like the snow. It covers the earth like clean, crisp bedlinens, and hides the ugly landscape that has become dirty and muddy from the dampness. I think I'll go out and make a snow angel on the front lawn. The snow there is virgin and untouched; no one has set foot on the dazzling white expanse that spans from sidewalk to sidewalk beneath my patio.

I like that idea.

Listen To The Rhythm Of The Falling Rain

Well, it's midnight Friday night/Saturday morning, and I'm really not sure why I'm still awake. I was making the attempt to go to bed about an hour ago, but I didn't quite make it down the hallway. The mess in my study was calling my name, "Matty....MATTY! Come over to the dark side. Come play with us. Explore that which is the debris of your life!" It's kinda odd. And it seems like the voice only calls to me late at night. Maybe it's from a lack of sleep. I'm not sure. So anyways, I came in here to see if there was anything I could accomplish quickly, and I lodged myself in the quagmire which is my study. I don't know if I could even find the door right now if I wanted to. Why can't I ever just let things be?

All this cleaning and organizing has forced me to go through all sorts of stuff I didn't realize I had, or was trying to forget. I came across the manuscript of a book I started to write. Sixty pages of drivel. I ran it through the shredder. It was liberating and painful at the same time. Though I would never have wanted anyone to see the drivel I come up with in my mind, that drivel represented a big chunk of time that I spent writing and editing and rewriting. Maybe it's because I'm a packrat, but I hate to throw things away. There may have been some good ideas in that manuscript, that I could have used to start a new book. Although there's no point dwelling on it; it's already destroyed. I guess I'll just have to start on something new.

I wonder about the point of all the things I am doing. Why is it necessary to make this place neat and organized? I know where everything is: why does it need to be changed? I feel as if I were creating a home that no one will ever see. Who am I cleaning up for? There isn't anyone to share this home with. Am I just wasting my time?

It's raining outside right now, and the steady drumming of the icy droplets on my windowpane is mesmerizing. I like the rain. Something as simple as water falling from the heavens proves to be utterly complex and essential. The water is necessary for the grass to grow and for trees to blossom; without it, the spring tulips and daffodils would not bloom. It washes away the grit and grime of the world. Still, there remains something inherently depressing about the rain. While it's raining, everything looks shriveled and weak. The leaves on the trees hang limp, and droop with the burdensome weight of the water. The sky is bleak and grey, and the sun stays hidden and out of sight. Even the sound of the rain is slow and labored, as if it would rather be doing something more fun. Rain makes people hide. Whether under their umbrellas or watching from their studies, people wait for the rain to clear. When the rain clears, life begins to return to the world. Until then, I'll continue to watch the chubby pellets of water splash down on the damp and dingy windowsill.

Tomorrow the snow comes. And I'm tired. But there's a stuffed alligator waiting for me in my bedroom. I think we'll cuddle up together and listen to the rain.

Goodnight.





Bookends Theme

Time it was, and what a time it was, it was
A time of innocence, a time of confidences
Long ago, it must be, I have a photograph
Preserve your memories, they're all that's left you.

Disturbing Memory...

Yeah, so I'm in a weird mood right now. I was going through some old paperwork in my study, and came across a letter I wrote back in July. Suffice it to say that this letter was somewhat disturbing, and I am not sure what I should think about it, let alone what I should do with the letter. I'm not sure what caused me to write it, and I'd rather not see it; however, I think it might be important for me to save. There is something in me that is keeping me from throwing it away.

God, I hate coming across these things...

Wasting Time In Class

So yeah, I'm sitting in my History of Women class right now (though the professor has yet to show) and I am wondering why I chose to come to class tonight. I'm really not planning on paying attention that closely, and I am instead choosing to blog and do homework for ENG 112. These are things I could do at home, and probably more effectively, because I would be able to concentrate, instead of this half-listening, half-other stuff thing I am doing right now.

I think I'm just frustrated today. I'm glad I came to UM-Flint, because I've met some really great people I wouldn't have otherwise met. I never expected to meet new friends here, but I have, and it's great. I don't know how I would have made it here without them. You know who you are, new friends. Pat yourself on the back.

I just can't help but feel that somehow I should be doing something else. I thought that I would be done with college at this point in my life, and the fact that I am taking classes pisses me off just a little bit. I was supposed to be making a really good living at this point, paying back my student loans and making a really good living. I find myself not making very much money, and still spending my time taking classes. I wouldn't mind just working, or just taking classes, but doing both is really starting to wear me out.

Brent told me that there is an engagement party at Phill and Anita's house on Saturday afternoon. I am excited to see everyone, but still a bit apprehensive. As much as I like everyone, I don't seem to do too well in large crowds. I'm just so self-conscious, and afraid that I am going to say something dumb or inappropriate, or that no one will like me. I'm such a stupid boy sometimes.

I guess I'm just tired. I just want to be done with work and class for the week, so I can lay on the couch and watch The West Wing. That's all I really want to do right now. Oh well.

I think I'll do some online shopping right now. I'm getting bored with blogging for now.

Overbearing as usual...

So, once again I think I've been over-demanding with a new friend...why can't I just things make a natural progress, instead of pushing so hard? If things were meant to be, they would happen...if not, then it wasn't meant to be. I hate that about myself. I hate that I push so hard that I scare off friends, who think that I am needy or pushy or demanding. So I think I'll try to back off a little, and let things progress as they were meant to, instead of overdoing it.

Not much else going on. I am typing this message from home, which means that I now have a new computer. I'm pretty excited about it. I got a new laptop, and it feels so nice to have a nice computer that works. I've even been using it at work, which is pretty nice. There was a long meeting the other day, about stuff that I didn't really need to know. So, I brought the lappy, and got a lot of my correspondence done in the span of time that would otherwise have been wasted. How cool.

I've added a fourth class for the semester. That means that I have 1 actual on-campus class, and three "non-traditional" classes: 2 independent studies, and an online class. It's pretty cool, though, because I have "the Cakers" for all three of them. It's pretty cool. I think it's going to be a good semester.

Stuff at work is still irritating, though it's gotten better. Friday was a pretty good day, so I am hoping that things continue to improve. I just get so tired of taking the blame when someone else doesn't do their job. I hate picking up the slack, especially when no one else recognizes that the other person is not doing their job. Arrgh!

I think there's going to be a Cakers' Fan Club reunion next weekend, and I am a bit apprehensive: the apartment is an armpit right now, and I am hoping that I have enough time to get it ship-shape before the suaree. I'd be so embarassed if everyone saw what a hovel I live in, I think I would die. I guess I'd better get cracking this week after I get home from work. I guess a week is long enough to get things in order.

I've been on a buying binge this weekend. It scares me. I went out yesterday, and I bought a new sweater/fleece thing, a pair of jeans, a pair of shoes, a bookcase and a movie cabinet for the apartment, 3 new CDs, 2 books, groceries that I didn't need, a bunch of stuff at Pier One, and I ate out for 2 meals yesterday, not to mention the fact that I am buying a new desk and file cabinet today, in addition to all the stuff I need to do to get the apartment in top notch shape. I guess I'll just have to hurry up and get the stuff for the house, and then stop buying. I need to use my willpower. Does anybody have some I can borrow?

I had a fun day yesterday. I met my dad for breakfast, and then we went grocery shopping. It was really fun. I haven't been able to hang out with just my dad in a long time, so it was kinda nice to be able to spend a few hours with him. Then, I left the grocery store, and went on my buying binge. After I spent like $300, I came home and took a nap, because spending is a tiring business. I called Bradley around 4:30, and we met for coffee and more shopping around 5:30. Then I came home and started putting together furniture, which is always a hoot. Went to bed late. Got up late. Weekends are great, but they never last long enough.

I talked to Millie a little bit ago, and she might be able to swing in and see me tomorrow on her way back up to school. Friggin YEAH! I miss her so much. I was going to go to Mount Pleasant this weekend, but stuff came up, as it always does. Poop. I'll try to make it up there in the next month or so.

I need to get a shower, and I think I'm going out to visit Amanda in a little bit. Maybe she won't have had lunch, and I'll be able to hang and have lunch. Or maybe I'll just say hi and talk for a minute, and then scoot, so I don't bother her. I guess I'll just play it by ear.

Yay for a half day of work tomorrow. I'm using half a day's vacation to come home and take a nap. Woot.

Should I Be Offended?

So I had an interesting encounter with my boss today. I'm not sure how to take it. I woke up this morning, and I had a terrible stomach ache, and I was spending an awful lot of time in the bathroom when I got up (I won't go into any more detail than that). So, I called the office and told the receptionist that I would be in around 10:00, because I was having some personal issues and needed a few minutes to pull myself together and see if I could be away from the toilet for more than five minutes. I seriously hadn't been off the phone for more than two minutes when my boss called. She said she had some concerns about my use of sick days (as you no doubt remember, I was sick for two days right before Christmas, and had to be off for two days) and I needed to remember that I was still a probationary employee, even though I had been made permanent. I told her that I understood, and that I would be in as soon as I could. So, I threw my clothes on (I'd already taken a shower, but decided I didn't need to wear a tie to poop), jumped in the car, and made it to the office by 8:50, less than an hour after I was supposed to be there. In the first two hours I was at the office, I had to run to the bathroom 4 times, and I also threw up in my trash can.

I tell you all of this to ask a question: should I be offended that my judgment was questioned in the use of my allotted sick time? True, I have only been a permanent employee for two working weeks, and yes, I have taken two days and 1 hour of sick time. However, these were legitimate illnesses, not me playing sick so that I wouldn't have to come to the office. If they were, I would be the first one to say that I was in the wrong, and should have just come to work. But, since I was sick on both accounts, I think I am somewhat justified in being offended and frustrated that my judgment was called into question over these issues. I'm trying to be patient, because I can see where someone would be concerned over this perceived "absenteeism," but I remain frustrated that I am gaining notoriety for things that are beyond my control.

Phew. It feels good to get that off my chest. Okay, so now on to more enjoyable subjects. I met Amanda and Bradley and Bradley's entourage at Border's for coffee Tuesday night, and it was really fun. We sat for seriously like three hours and just talked and joked and made everyone uncomfortable. It was great. It's been so long, I'd almost forgotten how much fun it is to just chill in the coffee shop and do nothing. Bradley's friends are cool, and we had a really good time. I even shared some of my poetry and short stories with Bradley and Amanda, something that I was surprised that I did. I usually don't share that stuff with anyone, and I can't believe that I actually let them read that stuff. Maybe I am growing more comfortable with myself as a writer and as a person. That would be really cool.

So then, yesterday, I went and saw Amanda at work, to keep her company. It was so much fun. I got to meet her mommy, who seems really cool. She totally gave me like 4 hugs in the time I was sitting there talking to her. How awesome. So then, Ryan came up to hang out for a while, and then Amanda and I went to Target and did random shopping for an hour. It was great. I'm going back tonight, and it should be awesome.

So, I'm not sure what the plan is for this weekend, but I think that I'm going to hang with Ryan and Amanda, and I'll probably also see what Bradley has going on. I am shooting to have a Cakers' Club reunion the first weekend after the beginning of the semester, but I don't know how that will work out. I'd like to have it this weekend, but I have so much left to do with the apartment, and no money to throw a party. The refund check should be in by the following weekend, so I'll have money to throw a proper party. What kind of hostess would I be if I threw a shoddy party? Emily Post would never forgive me.

I miss my friends from Central. You will always be a part of me. I'll be thinking about you until we meet again.

I'm excited about my new friends: you're awesome. Thanks for choosing to be a part of my life.

Ta-ta.

It's So Hard To Come Back From Break

As much fun as it is to have 10 days off from work, it just makes it so hard to come back. Now, don't get me wrong: I love my job, and I love the people I work with. However, after having 10 days to lay around and do nothing, it's hard to get out of bed at 6:45 and leave my warm house and warm bed to venture out into the cold outside to make it to the office. Not to mention the fact that our office was busy as hell today, and it was nearly impossible to get anything done, though there are about 12 projects that I am in the middle of right now. Arrgh! I almost wish that I would have worked through the holidays, just so that there wasn't such a mess to come back to.

As hectic as it was, the break was hectic, too. I had company for the entire break, aside from three (maybe four) nights where I was all alone in the house. I actually had to wait for break to end to have a break. Isn't that funny? Oh well. I enjoyed having friends visit, especially during the holidays. Christmas, especially this Christmas, is usually a somewhat depressing time of year for me, and it always makes it easier when those you love are there for comfort and support. I think I just have such high expectations for the holiday, that when things don't go as planned, it bums me out. I'm learning, however, that nothing is perfect and I need to relax and let what happens, happen.

I was happy with my Christmas gifts this year, though there was nothing overly exciting or fun. It amazes me that as we get older, Christmas becomes more about what we need than what we want. This year, the only thing I got that I wanted was Robert Ludlum's The Bourne Supremacy, while I got other things I needed, such as pajamas, slacks, socks, a blanket for my new chair, a day planner, and some money. These are wonderful gifts, but they weren't by any means "fun" items. That's my point: as we get older, we ask for things that we need rather than things we want. I think I know why that is, though. Now that I am an adult and have a job, I go out and buy things when I want them. Unlike when I was a kid, I have the money to buy things I want, and I don't have to wait for Christmas to ask my parents to buy these things for me. I guess this could be a good or a bad thing. It's good, because I can have almost anything I want, whenever I want. It's bad, though, because there's nothing left for me to get when Christmas comes around, and I end up asking for clothes or other things I need, but haven't gotten around to purchasing yet. Oh well. Such is the life of an adult.

Is anyone else pissed that there was no snow for Christmas? I woke up and looked out my window, and I was furious. How could it be Christmas if there was no snow? Not only that, but I didn't get any of my baking done this year, my Christmas cards didn't go out, and my family celebrated Christmas on the 24th. So, I woke up to a rainy, ugly day, only to spend it by myself. Bah Humbug!

Well, like I said, I'm back to work today, and now that I'm here, it hasn't been too bad. I spent most of the day in my office working on things, and I did have a couple of short meetings I had to go to. I'm done for the day now, and I'm just wrapping up a few things before I run home. I'm excited; I get to hang out with Amanda and Ryan and Bradley tonight around 8. We're meeting at Borders for coffee and conversation, and it'll be fun to hang with the crew. I've got to try to not spend money, though, as there's not that much in the coffers to spend right now.

Well, this is starting to ramble, so I'm going to cut it short for now. Hopefully, I'll get a chance to write more tomorrow.