Exhausted, Yet Awake

From "Don't Fence Me In"
As Performed By Ella Fitzgerald

Oh, give me land, lots of land under starry skies above,
Don't fence me in.
Let me ride through the wide open country that I love,
Don't fence me in.
Let me be by myself in the evenin' breeze,
Listen to the murmur of the cottonwood trees,
Send me off forever but I ask you please,
Don't fence me in.

Just turn me loose, let me straddle my old saddle
Underneath the western skies.
On my Cayuse, let me wander over yonder
Till I see the mountains rise.

I want to ride to the ridge where the west commences,
Gaze at the moon till I lose my senses
I can't look at hobbles and I can't stand fences
Don't fence me in.

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There is so much going on in my life right now, I feel trapped and without any choices. Just when I think that things are about to go my way, something else comes up, and I am being pulled in another direction. I don't remember things being like this when I was working.

I can't sleep at night anymore. Whenever I try to go to bed at a decent time, something keeps me up, and I either find something that I HAVE to see on TV, or I'm out with someone, or I have company, or I just crawl into bed and lie awake for hours. I'm really not a fan of it. I end up falling asleep close to dawn, and sleeping until early afternoon. I've never had this happen before; I am used to getting to bed at a somewhat decent time, and getting up at a somewhat decent time (i.e. morning). I just can't seem to shake this routine I've fallen into.

Things will get better...


...I hope.

In Knots

Well, after a much needed full night's sleep, I am feeling a bit less morose, and less antisocial. I still want to spend the rest of my life alone with my books, but close friends and family are now allowed to have short visits to bring me supplies from the outside world. It will be hot.

Thinking about stuff in my life, my stomach is all in knots, and I feel like shit. I just want to spend the whole day in bed, watching movies and not talking to anyone. Maybe I could just sleep.

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So, whenever I am in an awful mood and can't sleep, I try to picture something happening that would shift the entire direction my life is taking, and how it would be better if this event happened. Usually, I picture something like winning the lottery or having some super rich, long-lost relative leave me their entire estate, making me super rich. I thought about the lottery last night. It helped me sleep. I pictured the house I wanted to buy, in Maine: it would overlook the ocean, from a cliff above the sea. The water would be that slate-blue/grey that steals your imagination and lets you stare at it for hours and not even know or care. I'd have some of those old adirondack chairs out by the edge of the cliff, where I could go and sit for hours and watch the ocean. The paint would be peeling from the salty sea air, but they would be the most comfortable chairs ever. I could go out there every morning with the newspaper or a magazine, and just sit for hours and listen to the sea break against the base of the cliff.

Of course, since money wouldn't be an option, I would have all the time and resources I needed to finish my doctorate. Then, with all the scads of money I would have, I would start my own historical research think tank, and we would publish a historical academic journal. That would be my job: editor-in-chief of an academic journal. It is something I would really enjoy, and I could do it from home and not have to venture out into the world very often. It would allow me to work for a living, and not simply live off my money. Even when you're super rich, there is something to be said to having a job that makes a difference, or at least something to do. There would be messengers who would bring things for me to read, and they could slip them through my mail slot on the front door, and I wouldn't have to talk to them.

I would do all my work from an old library in the house, like you see in the movies. There would be floor-to-ceiling bookshelves, overflowing with books and manuscripts and such. There would be a giant cherry-wood desk, with one of those green shaded banker's lamps on it, and the desk would be stacked high with things I was working on.

There would be one of those old two-story garages next to the house, detached but connected by a cobblestone walkway. Above the garage would be an artist's loft, because I know an artist who might like to use the space for work. Because the garage is so big, this loft would be a full apartment: kitchen, bathroom, bedroom, and a giant open loft with lots of sunlight for someone who might want to paint. Downstairs are the projects I am working on: restoring an old Buick Roadmaster convertible, and taking care of the teakwood boat that is required when you live on the ocean.

My skin would take on that thick, leathery look of someone who spends their entire life outdoors, and my hair would turn the color of straw. I could wear boat shoes without socks, and no one would notice or care.

Once a week, early in the morning, I would take my bicycle (which, of course, has a basket on the front) and ride into town, to collect the mail, and to buy fresh lobster. The rest of my groceries I would have delivered, but it's so much better to choose your own lobster. I'd also make a stop at the hardware store, to pick up the things I need for restoring the Buick and the boat, and then I'd go back home and have breakfast on the back deck while I listened to the gulls calling and the sea breaking against the cliff.

I think it would be a pretty peaceful life; just me in my house by the ocean.

Maybe someday.

I Am A Rock

From “I Am A Rock”
By Simon and Garfunkel

A winter’s day
In a deep and dark December
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.

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Overwhelmed and underappreciated. I want to spend the rest of my life as a hermit, alone with my books.

A Nice Evening

Fire and Ice
By Robert Frost

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.

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So, the last few days have been exhausting, in all senses of the word: mentally, physically, emotionally. With everything going on in so many different areas of my life, I have felt a huge weight on my shoulders, and haven't wanted to crawl out of bed. It was that way this morning, when I forced myself out from under the blankets to meet the morning.

The end of the day was nice, though.

I spent the evening with my (adopted) family, just hanging out, watching TV, doing crossword puzzles, and relaxing. It was nice to just sit and talk for a while. I came home around 11, and was getting ready to go to bed, when David asked me if we could go to Meijer. I wasn't really thrilled about the idea, because I am tired, but I said that we could go. Well, I'm glad I did. Though it was somewhat tedious at first, it turned out to be a pretty pleasant outing. I was even in a good mood for the latter part of our trip, and we continued being nice to each other once we came through the door. We said goodnight a few minutes ago, and I am just making a quick entry before I head off for bed.

Tomorrow should be nice. I am going to work on going through some more boxes, cleaning up some stuff around the house, and looking for a job. If I get all of that done, I will also be working on the stuff for my independent study classes.

I'm still pretty exhausted though, so I think I am going to go crawl in bed with a crossword puzzle, and see how long I can stay awake.

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P.S.
I'm thinking about you, always. I'm in your corner. You know who you are.

Helpless, Impotent, Useless

From "Rainy Days and Mondays"
As Performed by Karen Carpenter

Talking to myself and feeling old
Sometimes I'd like to quit
Nothing ever seems to fit
Hangin' around, nothing to do but frown
Rainy days and Mondays always get me down

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One of the worst feelings in the world is knowing that someone you care about deeply is hurting, and there is nothing that you can do to help them.

I'm used to being the strong one, the one who has all the answers, who can make the big, bad world go away. It's not like that now, though. I feel helpless, like my best efforts are made in vain, and that I can't fix this situation, no matter how hard I try.

It's hard for me to realize that, sometimes, you can be there for someone by not being there. In the heat of the moment, it sounds like a rebuke. But, after thought and reflection, I realize that there are times when I just want to be by myself, too. It's natural. We all need those moments to gather our thoughts for ourselves and figure out the next step to take.

I just want to fix it. And it burns me that I can't.

Freewriting

I couldn't sleep, and thought that some freewriting would help relax me so I could get some rest. Here goes...

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It's nice having the house to myself for the weekend. It doesn't happen much lately. What, with having a temporary roommate for over a month now, it doesn't happen much any more. I miss my quiet time, the time I used to spend by myself, gathering my thoughts, and doing whatever I want. Ever since college, I've been somewhat of a loner. I love the company of my friends and family, but I like having a place to go by myself, where there are no expectations and no one to answer to. I like coming and going as I please, and not having anyone at home worrying about when I will be home or where I've been.I have always been a very social person. But, at the same time, I like to have my own space. I like living by myself, and knowing that I will be coming home to an empty house. Many dread the thought of an empty house; I relish it. I find it much easier to get things done when I am on my own. Knowing that there is no one here to disturb me, I know that I can wake up at 3:00 in the morning and do some research and I won't be disturbing anyone. I like going to the bathroom or taking a shower and not having to close the door. I like spending hours on end just staring out the window, in complete and utter silence. The solitude and peace appeals to the more serene side of me, which is yearning for a calm respite from the otherwise chaotic life I lead.It's nearly four in the morning. The only sounds are of a gentle breeze rustling the leaves on the tree outside my window. I'm home alone, and no one in the neighborhood is awake. The full moon reflects off the soft, cool dew on the morning grass, untouched and undisturbed in the predawn hours. Sleep is rapidly approaching, knocking at the door of my brain, telling me it is time to go, but I don’t want to go. There is still much to be written; much to be experienced. I don’t want to waste time on napping, when the night is so soothing and comforting.

I am enjoying the quiet and solitude of the early morning hours. Soon, the world will be awake, tending to their busy lives: bustling off to church, hurrying to the grocery store, trying to make an early tee time. But now, the world slumbers, and the quiet stillness eases my worried mind. I am alone with the night, and the darkness and silence tames my restless heart.

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Well, I don't know as it was worth reading, but there it is. I think I'm ready to try sleep again. Goodnight, all...

Something's Gotta Give

From "Something's Gotta Give"
As Performed By Ella Fitzgerald

When an irresistible force such as you
Meets an old immovable object like me
You can bet as sure as you live
Something's gotta give, something's gotta give,
Something's gotta give.

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I'm going to have to catch a break somewhere...

None of the jobs I am putting in for are panning out. The grocery bill is as high as ever, and the money is running out. And, to top that all off, I just opened the Consumer's Power bill. Oh yeah, it's nearly $300. I have no idea where the money is going to come from to pay that one. Hopefully, Delphi will call, and I can start working soon. I've got to do something, or I will be living out of the car soon.

It's been an interesting day. David is staying with a friend for the weekend, so I have the place to myself for a bit. Amanda came over today, and we watched TV and talked about life. It was nice. I've missed Matty/Amanda time. We're totally going to do it again soon.

After Matty/Amanda time, I went to Amber's for a fire. It was really fun. We burned a whole milk crate full of papers I have been saving to shred (but burning them was so much more fun). We made a run to Taco Bell at like 1 a.m., and then went back to burning stuff. It was a really nice and relaxing way to end the day. We just sat around, throwing the papers and stuff into the fire, and talked about stuff. All in all, it has been a really good day.

On the agenda for tomorrow, I am going to get up semi-early and start going through some more boxes of stuff. Hopefully, that will go well, and I will have time to work on the stuff for my independent study courses. At the very least, I want to finish downloading and printing some journal articles, before my research access to the university expires. After it does, I won't have access to my database of journal articles. Oh well for scholarly research.

After that, I am going to call Bradley and see if he wants to do coffee, then Heidi is supposed to come over. That is going to be followed by pizza at the White Horse, followed by picking up David and coming home. Hopefully, I can get all of my chores done tomorrow, too, because Monday is back to looking for jobs, hardcore. I need to find something. I wish there were some way I could leave the state to find a job, but there is a promise I just can't break that is keeping me here...

Something will come up.

It just has to.

A Blessing in Disguise?

Taken From "Act Naturally"
As Performed by Buck Owens

They're gonna put me in the movies
They're gonna make a big star out of me
We'll make a film about a man that's sad and lonely
And all I have to do is act naturally

Well, I'll bet you I'm gonna be a big star
Might win an Oscar, you can never tell
The movie's gonna make me a big star
'Cause I can play the part so well

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Being unemployed is one of the worst feelings you can have. Not only is there a severely limited revenue entering your household, the party or parties who is/are unemployed feel helpless, like there is nothing he/she/they can do to control his/her/their life/lives. However, while I have not enjoyed my experience being unemployed, I am starting to view it as a blessing in disguise, because it could be a lot worse. My parents are helping me with the basic bills, so I know that the lights will stay on and they won't show up to evict me, and there will be food on the table. So, now that I have had my fill of sulking for the moment, I think I am starting to see a bright side to the whole unemployed situation.

First, being unemployed is a phenomenal opportunity to look for a job that I would like. Sure, I have been putting in for jobs that I wouldn't necessarily love to do for the rest of my life, but for the most part, I have been putting in for jobs that I think would be interesting or fun or at least something I would like to try. I would never have had the time for applying to different positions if I were still at the university. Being laid off has given me the opportunity to explore options for my life, that I most likely would not have explored had I remained in my position.

Second, being unemployed has allowed me to accomplish a lot of things I would otherwise not have been able to accomplish. I have cleaned a lot of things in my house, and I am in the process of going through things and getting rid of them. I would never have had the time to clean out my scary storage room if I were working, and that is what I am going to start this afternoon. Also, I am going through old paperwork and files, and getting rid of things I don't need or want any more. {A bit of an aside: if anyone needs office supplies, i. e. pens, pencils, paper, etc., drop me an e-mail or leave a blog comment. I have stuff I am probably going to get rid of, and I don't want to trash anything if someone can use it.} My life is getting lighter and lighter as I go along, and it is a good feeling. I have been bogged down with my things for so long, that it is nice to get rid of the things I don't need. I just can't part with my books, though. As much as I want to get rid of stuff, my books aren't going anywhere.

Of course, not working makes money tight, and I can't go out and do the things I would like to be doing. I guess there will be time for that later, though. Right now, I am getting caught up on all the chores I have been putting off for a year, and it feels good.

School is another option. I could go back to school full time, and start work on a master's degree.

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Not sure what's on the agenda for today. I have to call Bradley and Amanda today, and Heidi is going to call me this evening. Not sure what we're going to do, since there's no money, but at least I get to see them all.

I think I'll start work on the paper for Cathy's class, too. I kinda miss doing research and writing. Maybe it will even make me feel good. I was thinking: if the paper turns out really good, I might use it as a sample to try to get into grad school. Maybe that's an option for me in the fall, instead of working. I've certainly been thinking about a lot, and I realized that I have a lot of options. A good mood is starting to emerge.