Not Funny

It's so not funny that I'm sick the day I have to take the only final exam of the semester. I am not amused.

Helping Bradley With an Assignment

So, Bradley is writing a paper on blogs, so I am updating mine right now as a way to help him with his paper (as a way to cop out of writing my own).

There comes a point before any paper is done that I procrastinate and wait until the very last minute to finish it up. I don't know why I do this. My papers have a potential for being very good pieces of research, but they always come out less than perfect because I don't spend enough time working on them. I would eventually like to finish a doctorate in history, something I definitely will not succeed at if my writing habits do not improve. I have written some in-depth pieces of writing on several different subjects, but they are not nearly as good as I would like them to be, and not nearly as good as I am capable of.

I'm in the middle of working on a paper right now for my History of Women in America class. It's going to be a pretty good piece of work, but I just can't manage to dig my heels in and get to work on this one. I'm extremely interested in the topic, but I think I am burned out on being overscheduled right now. It would be so much easier if it were like my first time through college, where I only had a piddly part time job, and could devote 10-12 hours in a day to research and writing. The quality of my writing has dropped dramatically since I started my "grown-up" job.

I also owe Cathy 5 book summaries and 30 pages of research writing. The thought of finishing all this work makes my brain hurt. If I had tenure, this is the point when I would be asking for a research sabbatical in which I would study the relevance of constant viewing of the History Channel. And you know what? I could probably get a university to pay me to do that, if I were tenured. But alas. The long road to my PhD and ultimately to job security is long and paved with the work of countless sleepless nights.

So, last week, I went to Sam's Club and Wal-Mart with Bradley and Jennie. They had to pick up some supplies for the Writing Center. They had $20, but everything came to like $25, so I donated the difference to the Writing Center supply fund or whatever. Now, instead of repayment, I am holding out for an "endowed chair" in my name: The Marian E. Wright Writing Center Matthew McGaffigan Endowed Chair. We'll see how that comes along.

OK. Back to the paper now.

So Much To Do

Like everyone else, I have a lot I need to do in the next week and a half. So, of course, I am blogging instead. I'm not too concerned, though, because it's my lunch break, and I was supposed to have been busy right now. Heidi and I were going to have lunch, but she didn't show up. I hope everything is okay--she didn't answer her phone. I left her a message; hopefully she'll get back to me, or leave me a message or something, so I know she isn't dead.

I was going to take the day off today, because I need to finish this research paper, which is due on Thursday. I could always just pull an all-nighter Wednesday night, but I think instead I will work on it during class tonight, and maybe stay up a little later tonight getting it done. Maybe I should take tomorrow off, but I don't want to cancel my lunch plans. Oh well.

I think I am going to look for a second job. I need more money, and I don't think I'm in the running for a raise yet. Maybe I could be a third shift Pinkerton guard or something. That would be hot.

I'm so tired, I just want to lie down and take a nap. I should have thought of that earlier in my lunch break. I could totally have had an hour nap.

Or you could just let me sleep...and wake me up when this semester is over.

Where Do You Start?

Where Do You Start?
Music by Johnny Mandel
Lyrics by Marilyn and Alan Bergman

Where do you start?
How do you separate the present from the past?
How do you deal with all the things you thought would last,
That didn't last?
With bits of memories scattered here and there,
I look around and don't know where to start.

Which books are yours?
Which tapes and dreams belong to you and which are mine?
Our lives are tangled like the branches of a vine
That intertwine.
So many habits that we'll have to break
And yesterdays we'll have to take apart.

One day there'll be a song or something in the air again,
To catch me by surprise and you'll be there again.
A moment in
What might have been...

Where do you start?
Do you allow yourself a little time to cry,
Or do you close your eyes and kiss it all goodbye?
I guess you try.
And though I don't know where
And don't know when
I'll find myself in love again,
I promise there will always be
A little place no one will see:
A tiny part deep in my heart
That stays in love with you.

Where do you start?

--------------------

I put in my Bea Arthur CD this morning, because I am working on some stuff in the study and needed something to listen to. I'm not sure why I chose this particular CD, because I go through phases with it. Sometimes I listen to it several times in a week, then I put it away and don't listen to it for a month. Today, for whatever reason, I was compelled to take it down from the shelf and put it in the player as I checked and responded to e-mail and started research for a paper on Women in America. Though Bea Arthur does not have a "traditionally beautiful" voice for singing, there is something about the passionate way she belts out these songs that make me love to listen to her. I like the entire CD, but there are a few songs that always manage to zing me when they start, and it happens every time. The one above, "Where Do You Start?" is one of them. There is something about it that always wraps itself around me and makes me stop and think. I think that is the whole point of the song; it makes me stop and think about memories past, and I never feel angry or depressed or happy. I think the best way to describe it is bittersweet, and contemplative. I think about the times that my life and the life of another have been "tangled like the branches of a vine that intertwine," and I think about how nice it was at the time. I'm not sad that it is over; just bittersweet. And I know that things weren't meant to continue, and that it was right that it should end. But, as as always happens to me, sometimes "there'll be a song or something in the air again, to catch me by surprise and you'll (they'll) be there again" and I feel that contemplative and bittersweet feeling in the pit of my stomach. It's not a sad feeling. I don't even think there are words to describe it, but I'm sure you know what I'm talking about.

I think the thing I like most about this experience when it comes along is that it has a way of lowering my guard. I am usually so guarded about my emotions and thoughts, that I don't even process them. I am so good at listening to others and being the listening ear and the shoulder to lean on, but I don't seek others for strength and support as often as I should. I put my thoughts away on a shelf, and they wait for Bea Arthur to call to them, like the Pied Piper, and bring them to my feet like a cat with a mouse.

They don't come for a visit that often; but I like it when they do.

So I'll take some time to visit, letting my thoughts and feelings sit down for a cup of coffee, and I'll take the time to listen and speak my piece. Then, after they're gone, it's back to paper writing.

Make sure you take time to let your feelings visit, too.

An Epiphany

So, I've had an epiphany. I now realize why I hate celebrating my birthday.

I called to talk to my mom a few hours ago, and mentioned that we should go out to dinner for my birthday, which is approaching in the near future. She told me that it wouldn't make sense to go out for my birthday, because she and my dad will be celebrating their 31st anniversary before then, and if they go out, it should be in celebration of their anniversary, not my birthday. She went on about this for like five minutes, prompting me finally to say "Jesus Christ, I'm sorry I even mentioned it. Just drop the whole damn thing." To which she said "I don't know why you get all wound up about these things."

Since about my tenth birthday, celebrating the anniversary of my birth has been viewed by my family as a minor event, one that generally passes quietly and without much hoopla. While every day that you are alive is important, birthdays don't seem to be a very big deal in my family, and are more or less passed without much fanfare. I've grown up with the impression that birthdays are not that big a deal, and it has stuck with me since. I don't celebrate my birthday in general, and I rarely tell anyone when it is. Since birthdays have never been a big thing in my family, I have gotten used to quiet birthdays with little celebration, and I now find that when people make a big (or any) deal about my birthday, it makes me very uncomfortable and embarassed. I don't like anyone to know when my birthday is, and I generally let it pass quietly and without comment.

--------------------

So, on to other stuff. I find that I have been in a really bad mood this week, and I don't know what is going on. I had a bad meeting with one of my new supervisors this week, and she feels that I am not keeping up with my job responsibilities as well as I should be. I wish that I could. Everyone thinks that I have super-human strengths and abilities, and that I should be able to complete thirty tasks all at once. Well, I hate to break the news to the office, but it just doesn't work that way. I can't attend a conference and process piles of paperwork and implement a university-wide initiative and write letters to seventy schools and send e-mail messages to three thousand students all at once. I'm pretty good at my job, but I'm not that good.

I'm feeling overwhelmed. I just want to pull the blankets over my head and stay in bed all day. This semester can't end soon enough.









Isn't it rich?
Isn't it queer?
Losing my timing this late in my career

But where are the clowns?
Send in the clowns
Well maybe next year...

Overwhelmed

Do you have those days where you want to pull the blankets over your head and pretend that you don't hear the alarm clock? I've been having more and more of those days lately.

I'm in a rut, and I don't know how to get out. It seems like my days are all the same thing: get up, go to work, be stressed, go home (or to class), watch some television, eat some crappy dinner, go to bed. Repeat. Every once in a while there is a wild card thrown in there (coffee with Bradley, a movie with Karen, visiting my parents), but in general, it is the same old shit I do every day.

I think part of the problem is the fact that the weather is getting nicer, and I don't want to be stuck inside. This isn't what I had envisioned for my life. I always wanted to be a writer, so I could work when I wanted to (i.e. work until 3 in the morning, but get to sleep in). Maybe I'm in a poopy mood because I realize I'm not a very good writer, and would probably never be able to make any sort of living doing it professionally. I'd consider academic writing, but I can't even manage to keep up in my classes right now. Thank God for Cathy and incompletes; otherwise, I'd flunk out of college.

I'm not where I want to be in life, and it is making me extremely uncomfortable. But this isn't the motivational kind of discomfort, the kind which prods you into action. This is the oppressive kind, the kind that makes your chest feel tight and tingly.

Oh well.

I Stole This From Amanda

Italics applies to me; copy, paste and add your own line.

* I miss somebody right now.
* I don't watch much TV these days.
* I love olives.
* I own lots of books.
* I wear glasses or contact lenses.
* I love to play video games.
* I've watched porn movies.
* I have been in a threesome.
* I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.
* I believe honesty is usually always the best policy.
* I curse all the time.
* I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.
* I carry a knife/razor with me everywhere
* I'm TOTALLY smart.
* I have broken someone's bones.
* I have a secret that I am afraid to reveal.
* I hate the rain.
* I'm paranoid at times.
* I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
* I need/want money right now.
* I love sushi.
* I think girls talk too much.
* I have long hair
* I have lost money in Las Vegas.
* I have at least one sibling.
* I was born in a country outside the US
* I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past.
* I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.
* I know how to cornrow.
* I am usually pessimistic.
* I have a lot of mood swings.
* I think prostitution should be legalized.
* I think Britney Spears is pretty.
* I slept with a roommate.
* I have a hidden talent
* I am hyper no matter how much sugar I have
* I have a lot of friends.
* I am currently single.
* I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.
* I love to shop.
* I enjoy window shopping.
* I would rather shop than eat.
* I would classify myself as ghetto. (pfft)
* I'm bourgie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders.
* I'm obsessed with my Xanga or LJ.
* I don't hate anyone. I just think they're stupid.
* I'm a pretty good dancer.
* I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
* I have a cellphone.
* I believe in God.
* I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months
* I've rejected someone before.
* I have no idea what i want to do for the rest of my life
* I someday want to have children in the future.
* I have changed a diaper before.
* I've called the cops on a friend before.
* I am a member of the Tom Green fan club.
* I am not allergic to anything
* I have a lot to learn.
* I am shy around the opposite sex.
* I'm online 24/7, even as an away message.
* I have at least 5 away messages saved.
* I have tried alcohol or drugs before.
* I have made a move on a friend's significant other i.e. I'm a backstabber
* I own the "South Park" movie.
* I have avoided assignments at work/school to be on Xanga or Livejournal.
* When I was a kid I played "the birds and the bees" with a neighbor or chum.
* I enjoy some country music.
* I would die for my best friends.
* I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza.
* I watch soap operas whenever I can.
* I'm obsessive, and often a perfectionist.
* I have used my sexuality to advance my career.
* I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all.
* I know all the words to Slick Rick's "Children's Story".
* Halloween is awesome because you get free candy.
* I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I love it.
* I have dated a close friend's ex.
* I like surveys/memes.
* I am happy at this moment.
* I'm obsessed with guys.
* Democrat.
* Conservative Republican.
* I am punk rockish.
* I am preppy.
* I Study for tests most of the time.
* I tie my shoelaces differently from anyone I've ever met.
* I love my job.
* I am comfortable with who I am right now.
* I spend ridiculous amounts of money on makeup.
* I believe in prophetic dreams.
* I plan on achieving a major goal/dream.
* I am proficient on a musical instrument.
* I hate office jobs.
* I love sci-fi movies.
* I think water rules.
* I went to college out of state.
* I am adopted.
* I like sausage
* I am a pyro.
* I have thrown up from crying too much
* I love kisses.
* I fall for the worst people and have been hurt every time.
* I can't live without black eyeliner.
* I think my school is awesome.
* I think pigtails are amazing
* I don't know why the hell I just did this stupid thing.
* I usually like covers better than originals.
* I don't like multi-textured ice cream.
* I think John Cusack is adorable.
* I can't whistle
* I have ridden/owned a horse.
* I still have every journal I've ever written in.
* I can't stick to a diet.
* I talk in my sleep.
* I've often thought that I was born in the wrong century.
* I try to forget things by drowning them out with loads of distractions.
* I would not be friends with them if they weren't family.
* I have a tattoo.
* I can't stand at LEAST one person I work with
* I am a caffeine junkie.
* I read trashy romance novels and I am ashamed.
* I love wrestling.
* I am completely tree-huggy spiritual, and I'm not ashamed at all.
* If I knew I would get away with it, I would commit at least one murder.
* I cosplayed or know what cosplaying is.
* I will collect anything, and the more nonsensical, the better.
* I enjoy a nice glass of wine with dinner.
* I have a goal to collect every Johnny Depp movie ever made.
* I am an artist
* I am ambidextrous.
* I sleep with so many stuffed animals.
* My computer has a name.
* If it weren't for having to see other people naked, I'd live in a nudist colony.
* I hate my toes.
* I did this Meme even though I wasn't tagged by the person who took it before me.
* I have more friends on the internet than in real life.
* I have lived in either three different states or countries.
* I am flexible.
* I love hugs more than kisses.
* I smoke or have tried cigarettes.
* I have met a star from ABC's LOST.
* I want to own my own business.
* No one has ever said i'm normal.
* Sad movies, games, fics and the like can cause a trickle of tears every now and then.
* I am proficient in the use of many types of firearms and combat weapons.
* I like the way women look in stylized men's suits.
* I don't like it when people are displeased or seem displeased with me.
* I have been described as a dreamer or likely to have my head up in the clouds.
* I have played tennis with my non dominant hand before.
* I have played strip poker with someone else before.
* I read the labels on food, shampoo, and other things just because.
* I have emotional problems for which I have sought professional help.
* I believe in ghosts and the paranormal.
* I can't stand being alone.
* I have at least one obsession at any given time.
* I weigh myself, pee/poo, and then weigh myself again.
* I consistently spend way too much money on obsessions-of-the-moment.
* I'm a judgmental asshole.
* I'm a HUGE drama-queen.
* I have traveled on more than one continent.
* I was a Spice Girls fan and I'm proud of it.
* I sometimes wish my father would just disappear, but I never mean it.
* I have seen every single episode of more than one television show.
* I need people to tell me I'm good at something in order to feel that I am.
* I am a Libertarian.
* I can sing songs in languages I don't speak.
* I can speak more than one language.
* I can fall asleep even if the whole room is as noisy as it can be.
* I am ovulating.
* I am very confused.
* I believe that everything ends.
* I like happy endings.
* I ask too many questions.
* I am a closet philanthropist.
* I can recite all 50 states in alphabetical order, from memory.
* I would rather read than watch TV.
* I like reading fact more than fiction.
* I have pulled an all-nighter on an assignment I was given a month to do.
* I have at one time considered becoming an assassin using only a knife and a pack of gum.
* My parents never gave me a set allowance.
* I have spent the night in a train station or other public place.
* I have been so upset over my physical gender that I cried.
* I have more pets than I have good friends.
* I have ridden in a vintage airplane.
* I maintain that Marmite is magically delicious.
* I am obsessed with Victorian literature.
* I love to travel.
* I have a talent for complicating people's lives unintentionally.
* I go completely out of control when I'm on my period.
* I’ve run away from home.
* Internet friendships freak me out.
* I don't like uneven numbers.
* I think I have a mild case of OCD.
* I have numerous crushes on TV characters
* I am the first in my family to graduate high school.
* I can't live without my watch.
* I hate time.
* I spend a lot of time rehearsing scenarios in my head about really inconsquential things.
* I talk to myself far too much.
* School takes up 50% or more of my time.
* I'm known for singing in the shower.
* It is illegal for me to have any type of life.
* I'm a bandie, geek and jock all in one!
* I'm a HUGE Backstreet Boys fan. And I'm not 12.
* I know what Glamorous Indie Rock 'N Roll is.
* I live in a dorm on a college campus.
* I've often wondered whether Robin from Batman was gay.
* I try to write down my dreams as soon as I wake up so I could recall them in the future.
* I want to cry over something that's made me happy, and I haven't experienced that yet.
* I haven't experienced what it feels like to be in love yet.
* I've done numerous offenses in school... and I've only been caught ONCE. .. once is all it took!
* I don't read romance novels.
* I can drink 1 liter of Coke in one sitting.
* I wish i could reach the lrt station at katipunan.
* I’m currently tired and staring at mikey’s picture!
* I'd probably die without my cellphone
* I've got 99 problems, and a bitch is every one of them.
* I've been so in love that it hurts.
* I like beer.
* I don't have much interest for the opposite sex (at least not as much as I have for same sex).
* I'm absent-minded .
* I have class very soon.
* I should be sleeping now
* I am at work right now.
* There are about ten better things I could be doing at this moment.
* I want to be at home curled up with my kitty and family right now.
* I am in a kickass rock band who tours the world playing sold out shows.
* I have to fart.
* I have been served a Jury Duty Notice, while living outside of the country for over 6 months.
* I got engaged on a birthday or major holiday
* I'm "horny" ;-)
*I have been discriminated against [because of race/religion/sexual orientation/etc] and it caused me bodily harm.
*I desperately want my parents to be proud of me.
* My hair sucks.
* I think everything i do is worthless
* I hate lactose.
* I wonder if there is a meaning of life, and whether it is something I should have figured out by now.

Take that, bitches!

Not much of an update, I know, but it'll have to do for now. Way too much going down right now for in-depth updates on the condition of Matty.