Both Sides Now

Both Sides Now
By Joni Mitchell

Rows and floes of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
I've looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way

I've looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real
I've looked at love that way

But now it's just another show
You leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know
Don't give yourself away

I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It's loves illusions I recall
I really don't know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say I love you right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I've looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I've changed
Well something's lost, but something's gained
In living every day

I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all
I've looked at life from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all

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Unfortunately, I don't have a lot of time to write. I'm in the process of packing to move, and I should be doing that right now as opposed to wasting time online. I'll be losing my place as of the 29th of this month, and I'll be moving in to my parent's old house until it sells, or until I find a new place. I don't mind that much, because it's nice to be able to go through my stuff and see what I want to keep and what I want to get rid of, but I don't like having to choose to throw away things I would much rather keep.

Consequently, if I own something that you think you would like, please let me know, because it may be something that I am getting rid of.

I'm working on my study right now. I'd much rather be watching TV or doing anything else, really, than packing up my things. I thought I'd be able to stay here longer than a year, but I guess it wasn't meant to be.

I've been giving things away to my friends, but I never know what they want or don't want.

In other news, I'm just really on edge and frustrated and upset about a lot of stuff; so, if I accidently snap at you, don't take it personal. I've got a lot on my mind, and I haven't been sleeping well for the past month.

I'm tired. I'm done for the night.

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Do you ever feel like you're the only one making an effort?

Into the Ocean

From "Into the Ocean"
By: Blue October

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down
Let the rain come down

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I can't shake this feeling of helpless melancholy. It seems like nothing is working out right now. Everything I try fails, and I end up back where I started, or worse.

I told my landlord that I would re-sign my lease. I have no idea how I am going to pay for that, but I guess I'll be okay until the first of the month.

My dad and I have not spoken in almost two weeks. He told me that He doesn't want to talk to me until I grow up, and I can call him then. He's angry with me because I haven't signed up for truckdriving school yet. I'm saving that as a very, very last resort. I can't bring myself to be at peace with truckdriving.

I am looking at teaching jobs in Florida. I may move there if I can get a job. I'd rather not, because Michigan is my home, but if that's what has to happen, so be it.

I'm lonely. I spend most of my time alone, and it's so quiet here by myself. It depresses me, and I don't feel like doing anything. I spend most of my time on the couch, watching bad television. I miss having someone else here. I miss David.

I still can't find a job. I hate feeling helpless, and not having a purpose in life. It seems like I don't have a purpose right now, and it is really grating at me.

I have a lot of stuff, and I don't know what to do with it all. I have a lot of nice stuff, and I don't want to just throw it all away, but I need to get rid of it. I am going to try to sell a lot of my books, and I am giving stuff away as well. Please let me know if there is something I have that you would like, because I am probably willing to part with it.

My computer has a virus. Brent is coming over to look at it this weekend, and hopefully it can be fixed. It is very cumbersome to use right now, but it is functional. Hopefully it can be fixed.

Millie and Carla are coming to visit me this weekend, and I am excited and apprehensive. It will be so nice to see them, but I feel bad that I don't have any money to do anything. I feel like such a loser right now.

Pizza night is tomorrow night. I'm up in the air over whether I will go or not. I like hanging out with everyone, but I don't feel like leaving the house much. And, I don't have any money, and I am tired of having to ask Amanda to pay for me. It's not fair for her to pay for me to go and have a good time, and it's embarassing that I don't even have five bucks to throw in for pizza.

I'm not a very good driver lately. My hands tremble a lot of the time, and I get lost and confused a lot. Sometimes, I have to pull over and think about where I am coming from and where I am going, so that I know where I am. I've also been forgetting appointments, names, phone numbers, and a lot of little things lately. Is it possible to have dementia at twenty-four? I think I might...

I still have work to complete for two independent study classes, and I can't concentrate long enough to get anything accomplished for either. I feel like I am letting Cathy down, and creating a lot of unnecessary work for her. I wish I could just get my shit together.

Anyways, there is a lot going on, so please forgive me if I seem distant or confused. It's because I am.