Into the Ocean

From "Into the Ocean"
By: Blue October

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down
Let the rain come down

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I can't shake this feeling of helpless melancholy. It seems like nothing is working out right now. Everything I try fails, and I end up back where I started, or worse.

I told my landlord that I would re-sign my lease. I have no idea how I am going to pay for that, but I guess I'll be okay until the first of the month.

My dad and I have not spoken in almost two weeks. He told me that He doesn't want to talk to me until I grow up, and I can call him then. He's angry with me because I haven't signed up for truckdriving school yet. I'm saving that as a very, very last resort. I can't bring myself to be at peace with truckdriving.

I am looking at teaching jobs in Florida. I may move there if I can get a job. I'd rather not, because Michigan is my home, but if that's what has to happen, so be it.

I'm lonely. I spend most of my time alone, and it's so quiet here by myself. It depresses me, and I don't feel like doing anything. I spend most of my time on the couch, watching bad television. I miss having someone else here. I miss David.

I still can't find a job. I hate feeling helpless, and not having a purpose in life. It seems like I don't have a purpose right now, and it is really grating at me.

I have a lot of stuff, and I don't know what to do with it all. I have a lot of nice stuff, and I don't want to just throw it all away, but I need to get rid of it. I am going to try to sell a lot of my books, and I am giving stuff away as well. Please let me know if there is something I have that you would like, because I am probably willing to part with it.

My computer has a virus. Brent is coming over to look at it this weekend, and hopefully it can be fixed. It is very cumbersome to use right now, but it is functional. Hopefully it can be fixed.

Millie and Carla are coming to visit me this weekend, and I am excited and apprehensive. It will be so nice to see them, but I feel bad that I don't have any money to do anything. I feel like such a loser right now.

Pizza night is tomorrow night. I'm up in the air over whether I will go or not. I like hanging out with everyone, but I don't feel like leaving the house much. And, I don't have any money, and I am tired of having to ask Amanda to pay for me. It's not fair for her to pay for me to go and have a good time, and it's embarassing that I don't even have five bucks to throw in for pizza.

I'm not a very good driver lately. My hands tremble a lot of the time, and I get lost and confused a lot. Sometimes, I have to pull over and think about where I am coming from and where I am going, so that I know where I am. I've also been forgetting appointments, names, phone numbers, and a lot of little things lately. Is it possible to have dementia at twenty-four? I think I might...

I still have work to complete for two independent study classes, and I can't concentrate long enough to get anything accomplished for either. I feel like I am letting Cathy down, and creating a lot of unnecessary work for her. I wish I could just get my shit together.

Anyways, there is a lot going on, so please forgive me if I seem distant or confused. It's because I am.