Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered

I'm Back, If You're Still Out There

2010-10-04T09:10:00.002-05:00

I'm back, if anyone is still out there and checks this to see if I am around. E-mail me or something! Hope to hear from you soon!

Homeward Bound

2008-04-18T21:44:00.004-05:00

Homeward Bound
By: Paul Simon

Tonight I'll sing my songs again,
I'll play the game and pretend.
But all my words come back to me in shades of mediocrity
Like emptiness in harmony I need someone to comfort me.
Homeward bound,
I wish I was,
Homeward bound,
Home where my thought's escaping,
Home where my music's playing,
Home where my love lies waiting
Silently for me.
Silently for me.
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I'm still feeling pretty shitty. Still don't really want to talk about it, and I know I couldn't find a way to put it into words if I wanted to. I think I am just feeling overwhelmed with being an adult. I don't like where my life is going; I don't want to live in Florida anymore; I want to go home to the life I used to know.

I feel an emptiness in my life; and I just don't know how to fill it. I miss my friends. I miss my parents. I miss my sister. I miss my aunts and uncles. I miss my old apartment. I miss the places I used to hang out. I miss my old job. I miss college. I miss being in love.

I miss the way the world looks after a fresh snow--everything is covered in white, and the snow crunches beneath your feet, and all the sounds are muffled. It's like you're the only person alive, and it's the ultimate feeling of peace and serenity.

I miss the sound of rain on the roof on the patio at Mom and Dad's house--I used to go sit out there when I was feeling alone or sad or angry, and it was as if the rain would just wash away everything.

I miss mowing the grass when no one was home. The smell of the grass and the vibration of the mower and the sound of the engine--it gave me time to sort out my thoughts.

I miss walking around campus. It didn't matter what season it was--autumn, winter, or spring--there was the ultimate feeling that I belonged there. Maybe I am lucky, Central's campus is so pretty no matter what season it is.

I miss the smell of aftershave on my pillows.

I miss building forts in the basement with Adam and Shannon.

I miss target shooting with my dad.

I miss watching Julia Child's cooking show with my mom.

I miss the feeling of someone's arm around me while I'm asleep.

I miss home.

I miss being happy.

Ain't No Sunshine When (S)He's Gone

2008-04-14T20:40:00.004-05:00

Ain't No Sunshine
Originally Performed by Bill Withers
Lyrics Adapted By Matty

Ain't no sunshine when he's gone
It's not warm when he's away
Ain't no sunshine when he's gone
And he's always gone too long
Any time he goes away.

Wonder this time where he's gone
Wonder if he's gone to stay
Ain't no sunshine when he's gone
And this house just ain't no home
Any time he goes away

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Feeling shitty. Don't really want to talk about it; don't know if I would know what to say if I did. Just keep sending me your positive energy. I'll get over this.

The Glory of Love

2008-04-05T23:43:00.004-05:00

The Glory of Love
By: Bette Midler
As Sung in "Beaches"

You've got to give a little
Take a little
And let your poor heart break a little
That's the story of
That's the glory of love.

You've got to laugh a little
Cry a little
Until the clouds roll by a little
That's the story of
That's the glory of love.

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Well, I know it's been a bit since I updated, but I've been busy. There's been a lot going on, but nothing really worth talking about.

Work is busy, as usual. They're talking about layoffs, and that always makes me jumpy. I just need until July to get my permanent teacher's license (hopefully), so I am hopeful that I can hang on until then.

Harold and Sue took the kids on vacation, so everything has been quiet around here for the last week or so. They will be back later today, though, so I'm sure we'll get back to normal by tomorrow.

Kevin won his election, so he is the new county chair of the Democratic party. He asked me to do some work with him, so we are going to sit down and talk tomorrow.

There's really not much more than that going on right now. I'll try to write more later on today, or sometime this week.

I Am A Rock

2008-03-23T20:59:00.005-05:00

I Am A Rock
By: Simon and Garfunkel

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me
I am shielded in my armor.

Hiding in my room
Safe within my womb
I touch no one and no one touches me

I am a rock
I am an island.

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I'm feeling kinda bleh today. I keep thinking about how much I want to go home, and I know that I just can't do it right now. I have to wait until I have the money to go, and it's driving me crazy. I never thought I could go this long without seeing my friends and family. I think about all of you every day.

The presentation went well. I spoke for 45 minutes on women's employment during the early nineteenth century in northern New England cotton mills, and I think the presentation went quite well. There weren't many people there, but I was well prepared, and I was nervous for nothing. Being there, making that presentation, though, reminded me of how much I want to go to graduate school. I really need to get everything in order so I can get to work on a master's degree. I want to finish my doctorate within 6 years from today, so I can teach at a university somewhere.

I've had some other personal stuff going on, but I don't really feel like talking about it. Suffice it to say, that's a big part of why I am in a crummy mood. Sometimes, being intelligent can be a curse. We intelligent people spend so much time rehashing and replaying our lives, that we often make ourselves miserable. I've often wished that I were a little bit dumber...ignorance is bliss.

I'm cleaning house, and it is getting close to bedtime, so I should finish this and get ready for tomorrow.

Let My Love Open The Door

2008-03-14T22:44:00.004-05:00

Let My Love Open The Door
By: Pete Townshend

When tragedy befalls you
Don't let them bring you down
Love can cure your problem
You're so lucky I'm around

Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
To your heart

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Now that I'm online more often, I am getting a chance to play around with a lot of the neat toys on the internet. I hope you like the Project Playlist box that lets you listen to the song that I put in my post. I think I'm going to try to do that more often when I post. It's pretty fun. Plus, the music maybe gives people a chance to visit. Not that there are many people who read--I think there is a grand total of three of you who actually look at this. Oh well. I'm having fun with it, so I guess that's all that matters.

Got a bit of slightly unsettling news at work today. Since the stingy taxpayers of the State of Florida (boo on you, old people) have voted to lower property taxes, the remainder of the 2007-2008 fiscal year is now coming up short. Each of the departments has been ordered to cut their budget to deal with this situation. The Department of Corrections has chosen to eliminate all OPS (Other Personnel Service) positions (the part-time ones that are considered temporary). Now, this doesn't affect my job, as I am a full-time employee. But, considering I am still on probation for another month and a half, this newest development has me a little bit fidgety. What are they going to cut next? Is my job going to be one to get axed?

Federal law mandates that our department provide an education to all inmates under our supervision until such time that they reach the age of 25 or achieve a GED, whichever comes first. That being said, my job is pretty safe. It still makes me jumpy though. I really don't want to have to look for a job right now. I have been keeping my eyes open to see what comes open, but I don't want to be put in a precarious situation to be looking when I need a job. We all know the best time to look is while you still have a job.

I watched a movie with Harold yesterday called "Dan in Real Life," and it was amazing. If you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it. Steve Carrell is one of my favorite actors, and he did an amazing job in this movie. I can't even explain it, but I really liked it. Check it out.

No update on when I'm coming home. I'm shooting for sometime before my birthday, but I guess I'll just have to wait and see when the money comes, and when I can get the time off work. I'm a little nervous about asking for vacation time right now, so I'm just going to play it all by ear until I know what's going on.

This weekend is going to be pretty uneventful. I'm going to finish work on my presentation for Wednesday, and get this pigsty cleaned up. I'm going to Vero Beach tomorrow, and I'll probably have breakfast/brunch/lunch with Sue and then hit some thrift shops. There's one I've been itching to check out, and I'm going to go see what they have tomorrow.

MacArthur Park

2008-03-11T20:18:00.002-05:00

Oh my God, I love the song MacArthur Park. I think it's a really cool song; but, I just listened to Weird Al Yankovic do a parody of it called "Jurassic Park," which was fucking hilarious. Check it out if you don't believe me.

There's not been a whole lot going on around here. I went with Harold and the kids to the movies on Saturday. We saw a pretty cool movie called "The Spiderwick Chronicles." It's a kids movie, but it was still pretty interesting. I recommend it if you are looking for something entertaining but not too serious.

I got my tax refund in the mail yesterday, so I have just been catching up on bills and trying to get everything in order before all the money is gone. I hate having to live from paycheck to paycheck, hoping for the extra checks that come along from time to time.

I still haven't heard anything from Harold about his last installment of his Social Security settlement. Hopefully it comes in soon, so I'll be able to come home.

As most of you know, March is Women's History Month. We celebrate this month at our facility, and as part of the festivities, each of the departments at the prison is required to make a presentation to the rest of the staff about some topic relating to women's history. Well, being the idiot I am, I happened to mention to a few colleagues that I was a women's studies minor in college, so they all went apeshit and decided I should be in charge of the presentation. It is an hour long, and I was given no guidance on the subject, other than it has to be ready for presentation by a week from tomorrow. So, that gives me a little more than a week to turn one of my papers into an hour-long presentation.

Today, when I talked to my boss, he told me that he thought my topic sounded a little too academic. I told him if he wasn't happy with my topic, he should feel free to give the presentation himself. He backpedaled pretty quickly. I hate being volunteered for things by my other colleagues who say that I should make the presentation, because I have gobs of free time to do it in. While it is true that I am responsible for less instructional time than my classroom counterparts, there is a greater deal of paperwork that comes with my job, not to mention the fact that preparing a paper to present to a group and turning it into an hour-long presentation with a PowerPoint is an extremely time-consuming affair. Even if I stay up nights until the presentation, I will be lucky to finish it in time. Wish me luck; I'll be pretty busy for the next week.

I e-mailed Cathy for some pointers on presenting a paper, and she had some really good pointers. I am going to try to make the best of this situation. I guess it will help prepare me for future presentations of papers when I write them.

Well, with that, I am going to try to get some more work done on the presentation. Feel free to interrupt me on AIM or give me a call...I'll probably be up late, anyway.

Daylight (Saving?) Time

2008-03-11T04:42:00.004-05:00

The Outdoor Type
By The Lemonheads

Always had a roof above me
Always paid the rent
But I've never set foot inside a tent
Couldn't build a fire to save my life
I lied about being the outdoor type

I've never slept out underneath the stars,
The closest that I came to that was one time my car
Broke down for an hour in the suburbs at night
I lied about being the outdoor type.

Too scared to let you know, you knew what you were looking for
I lied until I fit the bill, God bless the great indoors
I lied about being the outdoor type
I've never owned a sleeping bag, never rode a mountain bike

I can't go away with you on a rock climbing weekend
What if something's on TV and it's never shown again
It's just as well I'm not invited, I'm afraid of heights
I lied about being the outdoor type

Never learned to swim, can't grow a beard or even fight
I lied about being the outdoor type

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It's 5:19 in the morning, and I'm out of bed. This not sleeping is really starting to piss me off. I may be the only one, but I think that Daylight Savings Time is an antiquated tradition that needs to stop. Even when we get the extra hour in the fall, it takes me a week to get used to it. Why don't we just keep the same time throughout the year, and plan our lives accordingly? What is the purpose of this semiannual timefuck? Everybody is thrown off for a week each time, so companies and organizations are losing two weeks of productivity from their employees for this seemingly worthless time switcheroo. Plus, there are those in the scientific community that argue that Daylight Saving Time does not actually save energy, which is the rationale for this semiannual time change. We need to stop this, and soon. I took a Xanax, and I still couldn't sleep! FUCK!

Okay, rant's over. It's probably just as well I got up early; I have some work to do. It seems that, for women's history month, the education department at work has been asked to give a presentation on women's history. The lady from our department who sits on the committee told us yesterday in the staff meeting that we had to give an hour-long presentation a week from tomorrow to the rest of the staff at our facility on some aspect of women's history, and she's apparently known about this for at least a week. Way to spring it on us last minute. So, of course, who has to open his big mouth and tell everyone that he was a women's studies minor in college and could help on the presentation? Yep. Couldn't keep my damn mouth shut. So, since no one else in my department gives a shit, guess who will be giving an hour-long presentation to the rest of the staff next Wednesday on women's history? Right again. If I had just kept my mouth shut, I could have avoided all the work that goes into a presentation. I don't mind giving lectures, but I didn't want to have to plan a special one that doesn't fall into my regular schedule. Plus, this isn't even one I can use for my current class load. I'm going to prepare one of my papers to present, and I don't even know when I'll have the opportunity to use the presentation again. I'll be lecturing on the mid-Nineteenth century industrial employment of women in the textile industry of New England (as of right now), which is based on an article I wrote two years ago. It's a pretty good paper, but I don't think people realize what kind of work goes into presenting a paper as a lecture. It can't be great; it has to be PERFECT. No room for errors. Why did I sign on for this extra work? God, I wish I could learn to keep my mouth shut.

Other than that, things are going relatively well. My tax refund came in (FINALLY!), so I bought a new TV for my bedroom last night. It was nice to crawl in bed and watch something relaxing before I went to bed. It helps me get drowsy, so I can get to sleep. I've missed it for the last year or so, and I finally bought a 20" TV for in there.

Now, I'll be able to get some new work clothes, too. So, it'll be a red-letter weekend for me. We just need to keep our fingers crossed for the rest of the money, so I'll be able to come home. I'd like to make it by the end of the month, but I have been saying that since Thanksgiving, so I guess we'll see...

As for right now, I have to go get ready for work. I'll try to post some more about the last week tonight when I get home. I have to get to the office so I can get back to work on this paper. Wish me luck!

Summer Night

2008-03-03T21:40:00.004-05:00

This is a poem I wrote a few years ago, when I thought I had talent as a writer. Tell me what you think.

Summer Night

Sun-bronzed skin
cool to the touch
stretched taut and smooth across his back
shivers
as I run my finger from his neck to the small of his back
breathing softly against his shoulderblade

Long, golden legs
entwined with mine
end with slender feet
not much smaller than my own

Arms
thick and muscular
reach behind to pull me closer
beneath the cool, crisp sheet
on a soft summer night

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Believe it or not, reading this poem and putting it in my blog helped me come out to my sister. Fuck yeah! I'm feeling pretty good right now. She took it well. I'm psyched.

I started thinking about what a talented artist she is, and she is also a talented writer. I always wished that I was as talented as she is, and that's when I started writing. I took creative writing in college, and had a lot of fun, but I don't know that I have the ability for creative writing. My technical and academic writing is amazing, but I always wished I had a penchant for the more artistic side of writing.

Anyway, tell me what you think. Leave me a comment. Let me know if you read this.

The Prodigal Son Returns

2008-03-02T10:33:00.002-05:00

Where Do You Start?
As Performed By Bea Arthur

Where do you start?
How do you separate the present from the past?
How do you deal with all the things you thought would last
That didn't last?
With bits of memories scattered here and there
I look around and don't know where to start.

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I know I've posted the lyrics above in a previous post, but they seemed to fit with what I'm trying to do right now. It's been so long since I posted, I don't know where to start. I don't know what to talk about, with all the "bits of memories scattered here and there // I look around and don't know where to start."

I guess I'll go back to July, when I last posted, and try to start from there. Bear with me, this will probably be a long post...

In July, I went home for a visit, and had a pretty good time. It was good to see all of my friends, who I don't get to see very often. It felt very weird to be there, but it feels weird to be here right now, too. I guess I'm still in that uncomfortable "in-between" place, and haven't carved out my niche yet.

In August, I was assigned a new teaching post. I took over a vacant consulting teacher position in our department, and my boss and I changed it into a Post-Release Transition and Life Skills position. Instead of traditional classroom duties, I now serve as a life skills coach for all of the students in our program. I go into each of the classroom sections for one hour each week, and give lessons on important life skills that our inmate students will need once they are released. A lot of what I cover focuses on job skills, but I also manage to talk about anger management, setting personal goals, independent living, and other skills most of these young men have never had. It is a lot of fun, and much more rewarding that my previous post. I am (pretty) good at this new job, and I enjoy getting to work with all of the students, not just a small group. I also get to work with all of the teachers in the department, which is a lot of fun. I get to see a bit of their teaching styles, and how they each handle their classrooms. I'm hopeful that it will help me grow as a teacher.

In late August, I registered to vote in Florida. For the first time in my life, I am now a registered Democrat. I told my parents that I'm a democrat, and my dad seemed to take it well. I thought that he would be upset, but he said he just hoped that I thought carefully before I made any choices for anyone when I vote. I think my dad is softening up as he gets older.

I wanted to come home for Christmas, but I waited too long to ask for vacation time, and I got turned down for the time off. I was pretty upset to be spending another Christmas away from my parents, but I think I got through this Christmas a little better than last year. It probably had a lot to do with the fact I had a job to go to the day after Christmas--last year, I was unemployed. I stayed home and watched movies on Christmas, and made a turkey for myself. It was pretty good, if I do say so myself. I can be quite the cook when I want to be.

I'm hoping to go home sometime in March, but it may be closer to my birthday. I have the vacation time coming to me, I just need to request the time off, and make sure I have the money to come home. I'm getting my tax refund soon and some money the business owes me, so hopefully I'll be able to go home this spring. I never thought it would be this hard to get away.

Though I enjoy my job with the state, I have started looking at some other options to pursue. I'm not sure what I want to be doing in five years, so I am just researching my options. Karen just took a job at Texas A & M, and I am looking at jobs there. I'm also looking at a few jobs at the University of Michigan-Flint, since it would be nice to go back home.

For now, though, I am going to concentrate my efforts on finishing my teacher's certification. My provisional license expires in June 2009, so I need to start taking classes to finish that off. Then, even if I don't want to teach, I'll have it as a resource in my toolkit should I decide to come back to teaching, or whatever. Once I finish that, I'm going to start work on a master's degree. I just haven't decided what I'm going to do it in yet!

Well, that's the last year in a whirlwind. I think I hit the high points. Now that I have semi-reliable internet at the apartment, I am going to try to update much more often. Check back; I hope to update at least once a week.

Oh, and I know I've asked this before, but I'll ask again...since it's been 9 months since I updated, leave me a comment if you read this...I want to know if it actually gets read.

Love Is All Around

2007-07-29T11:10:00.000-05:00

Love Is All Around
As Performed By The Troggs

I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes
Love is all around me, and so the feeling grows
It's written on the wind, it's everywhere I go
So if you really love me, come on and let it show
You know I love you, I always will
My mind's made up by the way that I feel
There's no beginning, there'll be no end
'Cause on my love you can depend

I see your face before me as I lay on my bed
I kinda get to thinking of all the things you said
You gave your promise to me and I gave mine to you
I need someone beside me in everything I do
You know I love you, I always will
My mind's made up by the way that I feel
There's no beginning, there'll be no end
'Cause on my love you can depend

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It always amazes me that there can be so much that goes right and yet so much that goes wrong at the same time. The only way I can describe the last few months is wonderful and terrible at the same time.

Where to start. It's been so long since I had a chance to update my blog, but now that I am living on my own, I have more uninterrupted time to myself.

After almost four months being unemployed, I took a job as a substitute teacher in my county's public school system. I taught eighth grade Language Arts at the middle school around the corner from Harold and Sue's house, and I only had a five minute commute. The money wasn't very good, though, so I kept looking for something more permanent than subbing.

It came along in the form of a permanent teaching post, as an academic teacher in the Florida Department of Corrections, which came along at the end of April. I accepted the job, and I now teach pre-GED prep courses in the prison system. It's not bad work, and I make decent money doing it. Unfortunately, it's not like the traditional educational system, and I have to work 12 months. No summers off. It's okay, though. I really like the people I work with, and I get to stay in the Florida Retirement System.

I had a chance to go home and visit in late June/early July, for my sister's wedding. It was really nice to see her and watch her get married, but it was a harrowing experience staying with my parents for almost two weeks. My dad told me that I could use his truck while I was home, but he gave me a hard time every time I wanted to use it. We had an argument the morning I left, and we haven't really talked much since. I just don't understand why he and I can't get along for more than a few days.

Other than that, it was really nice to go home. I got to see almost everyone that I wanted to see, even though I wish I would have had more time to see everyone. There's one person in particular that I would have liked to see a bit more of, but that's neither here nor there. Hopefully, I'll be able to come home again in the next few months, and see everyone again. As much as I like my new job and my new life, I really miss my old life in Michigan.

I moved into a new apartment in Fort Pierce, so I'm not living with Harold and Sue anymore. YAY! I love them both very much, but it was time for me to be out on my own. I have a really nice two bedroom apartment, with a patio that overlooks the lake in our community, and there's a pool and tennis courts and I am only about 15 minutes away from work now. That sure cuts down on my morning commute.

I've met some new friends now that I moved, and have been able to strengthen some friendships. My social calendar is mostly full now, and I'm hardly ever here to enjoy my new place. I've been getting involved with the Young Democrats, attending meetings and events. One of my friends is the Vice President of the local Young Democrats, so he's been getting me involved in events and meetings. It's pretty fun. I should have done this in college, when I had more free time.

I'm still single, but I'm kinda happy right now. It's giving me time to be with myself, and work through some of my shit. Right now, at this moment, I am pretty content with my life. (Of course, that will change in five minutes, like always. God, I am such a queen.)

Well, that's it for right now. There's a lot more I want to say, but I can't think of anything specific I want to say. I'm going to try to write once a week from now on (no promises), so check back if you are interested.

P.S.
If you read my blog, please leave me a comment on this post and let me know that you read it. I like to know if anybody reads what I write.

The Heart of Life

2007-02-16T23:01:00.000-05:00

"The Heart of Life"
By John Mayer

I hate to see you cry
Lying there in that position
There's things you need to hear
So turn off your tears and listen

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, It won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good

You know it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
But then the circle of your friends
Will defend the silver lining

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
Fear is a friend who's misunderstood
But I know the heart of life is good

I know it's good

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Well, it's been a month since I wrote, so I guess I should update everyone about what's going on. I'm still living with Harold and Sue, and I am ready to shoot myself. The kids are a pain and want to hang all over me all the time, and now I am starting to get upset with Harold and Sue. I think that I'm just not used to living with other people, since I lived alone for so long.

I found out the other day that the job as a substance abuse counselor fell through. They were extremely interested, but according to their contract with the state, any professional employee directly involved with patient care must hold a master's level degree. Unfortunately, I don't have a master's degree (yet), so I'm not eligible for the job. Poo on that. There are a few others I am interested in, and I am also looking at options in other areas. Melissa wants me to come live with her in Dayton and work on a master's degree at the University of Dayton, which I am thinking about. Also, Brent and Michele want me to come stay with them in Kansas City and look for work. I've also had an offer from Wanda to move with her to San Diego if she gets the job at the Hotel del Coronado and find work in California, but I am not sure what I want to do yet. I really would just like to win the lottery, and be able to write full-time. Maybe if I ever get around to finishing my book, I can find a publisher that will pay a lot of money for it, and I can live off the royalties for the rest of my life. Hahaha. Another dream...

I've been in a really bad mood for the past few days, because I am really homesick. I miss my mom and dad, and all of my friends in Flint. I never thought I would be homesick for Flint, but it happened when I wasn't looking. I wish there were some way I could come home and make a good living, but the job market just isn't looking that positive right now. I guess I'll just have to tough it out in Florida. I'm really jealous, though: I guess it has been really cold and snowy in Michigan, and I wish I could be there. I know, I know, the weather in Florida is really nice, but I like to live somewhere that has 4 seasons. We only have 2 in South Florida: Really Hot and Not Quite as Hot. I miss the cold...

I've been working diligently on my writing for Cathy's class, and it is coming along quite nicely. I hope to have it all done by the beginning of March, and to have the reading done by the beginning of April. It is time for me to buckle down and finish up with these classes.

Well, there's not much more for me to write about right now, but I'm sure I'll update again soon. Hopefully, it won't take another month for me to get something in here.

Feel free to drop me an e-mail: supermatty1982@gmail.com

(Bumpy) Sleigh Ride

2007-01-19T23:04:00.000-05:00

Sleigh Ride
As Sung By Ella Fitzgerald

Just hear those sleigh bells jingling, ring ting tingling too,
Come on, it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you.
Outside the snow is falling and friends are calling "Yoo hoo,"
Come on, it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you.

Giddy yap, giddy yap, giddy yap, let's go,
Let's look at the show.
We're riding in a wonderland of snow.

Giddy yap, giddy yap, giddy yap,it's grand,
Just holding your hand.
We're gliding along with a song of a wintry fairy land.

Our cheeks are nice and rosy and comfy cozy are we,
We're snuggled up together like two birds of a feather would be.

Let's take that road before us and sing a chorus or two,
Come on, it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you.

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Wow. It's been quite a ride since I last wrote. Since then, I lost my job at the school, missed Christmas at home, had a fight with my dad and almost stopped talking to my parents, and had an "episode" (read: nervous breakdown) on Christmas day.

Things were going pretty well. I made it home (barely) for Thanksgiving, and got to see a few people, but not as many as I would have liked. I didn't get to stay for very long, and then had to head back for Florida. I wasn't really adjusting to my new job and to Florida really well, but I was being a trooper and trying my best. The only thing that was getting me through was looking forward to Christmas break and coming home to see everyone.

On the Wednesday before break, I was called to the principal's office, and she told me that she was not satisfied with my classroom management skills, and told me that Friday would be my last day. I was completely shocked, since I had received an official evaluation just a few days before that said I was doing a good job. I have a feeling that there is more at play than is outwardly obvious, but I guess I will never know.

So, needless to say, I was really in need of a trip to Michigan, but everything conspired to keep me here for the holiday. Since I didn't have a job to come back to, I had to watch my money, because I need to have cash to live on. Also, I didn't want to risk having problems with the car again on the road (that I couldn't afford to fix), and I had a big fight with my dad, and he asked me not to come home for vacation. Needless to say, I was pretty stressed out, and really wanted to come home. I decided to do the responsible thing and stay here for Christmas, but it didn't really pay off for me. I tried to stay really busy and to not think about it, but I finally had a breakdown on Christmas Eve. I was helping with Christmas dinner, and I couldn't come sit down with the family to eat. I kept working on stuff in the kitchen, and I was shaking so bad I almost dropped the turkey platter as I carried out the carved bird. I skipped dinner and laid down for a half an hour, until I was able to stand up again. I couldn't stand being around anyone, so I went for a drive to the ocean, and just sat in the surf for like 3 hours. I finally came home and went to bed just before midnight, and I didn't leave the house for almost a week. Most of my time was spent on the couch, wathcing television and eating constantly. I am starting to come out of it, and things are getting better now that New Year's is past.

I'm not sure what I am going to do now. I am still living on residual paychecks from the school, but I know that money will run out soon. I imagine I am going to have to start making some decisions to move on and start another job. Sue thinks she might be able to get me a job with her, as a substance abuse counselor, and I think that would be an awesome opportunity. There are also some more teaching opportunities, and some jobs with the county, state, and federal government that I need to look into. There are jobs out there; I just need to start the process of looking again.

Though I am feeling better, I really miss all of my friends in Michigan. Hopefully, I will be able to come home around spring break to see everyone.

An Update from Florida

2006-10-12T09:41:00.000-05:00

Oh my God! Everything has been moving so fast, this is the first opportunity I've had to sit down and do anything but nod off. I've been running on about 4 hours of sleep a night, and have been so busy it is ridiculous.

Everything started on the night of Tuesday, October 3. I got a phone call at about 7:00 that night from the principal of a K-8 school in St. Lucie County, Florida. She had received my information from a lady in the certification office of St. Lucie County Schools, and gave me a phone interview that lasted about 15 minutes. After those 15 minutes, she offered me the job, and I accepted. It's outside of my field (I'm teaching elementary/middle school resource science), but with a little bit of help, I think I will be able to be very good at it. The next term for students started on Monday, October 9, and the principal wanted to know if I could be here by then to get everything in order, so that I could finish all of the miscellaneous odds and ends that go along with starting a new job, so of course I said yes. Big mistake. I immediately entered a state of panic, and everything was quickly packed and sent to storage or crammed into my little car. There were a lot of people that I didn't get to see before I left, and a lot I never got to finish. I left for Florida at noon on Sunday, which put me in town at about 10 a.m. on Monday morning. After a quick shower and change of clothes, I went to the St. Lucie County Schools Personnel office, where I met with a personnel officer who copied some of my forms, fingerprinted me, and sent me for a drug test. I spent the rest of the day with Harold, and he showed me around town a bit. I'm going to be staying with Harold for about a month, but I was so tired that first night that I decided to get a hotel room. I rented a (tiny) room at Motel 6, and David and I got a restless night's sleep. It was cramped and uncomfortable, and the air conditioning didn't work that well, so it was muggy and hot as well.

Harold picked us up at 6:00 a.m., and we went to the Waffle House for breakfast, because I wanted to try it. Harold made fun of me, because I was chilly when I woke up and put on a sweatshirt. He said that I was a true Floridian at heart, because it was 70 degrees and I was wearing a hooded sweatshirt. I didn't think it was funny...I'm a Michigander.

I had to take my drug test after breakfast. Of couse, I had gone to the bathroom about 20 minutes before breakfast, so I couldn't go for the life of me. I had to sit in the waiting room and drink a gallon of water over an hour's time just to be able to have enough to go. After the test, I drove to my new school (St. Lucie West K-8 School), which is in the rich part of town. It was crazy. All of the schools are brand new, and the furniture is ridiculously nice. I got to meet a bunch of the teachers and my principal and assistant principal, and got a lot of reading materials to study before Monday. After that meeting, I had to go back to personnel to complete some more information, and then Harold and Sue (Harold's wife) took me out for lunch at Applebee's. The afternoon was filled with errands with Harold, and then we went back to his house.

David wanted to take me out in the evening, and it was a really nice time. He took me to Outback for dinner, and then we went and saw "School for Scoundrels" at the big megaplex. I didn't think it would happen this quick, but I am starting to feel at home a little bit. I am learning my way around town, and I'm hardly miserable at all. I really miss my friends, but I am having a good time here.

There were more meetings yesterday, and I got up and ran errands with Harold again. I had an orientation at the Personnel office, and even more forms to fill out and information to read (insurance, retirement, etc.). After that, we picked David up from work and went out for dinner. We then dropped Harold off at the house, and David and I headed for the hotel that the school district is paying for since I don't have housing yet. It is awesome. They are putting me up in a business-class suite at the Marriott, and it is quite posh. I could get used to this. We brought the bags up from the car, and then we hit the pool. We stayed up a little too late, and slept through the alarm, and I got David to work late. I'm hoping he doesn't get in trouble. The alarm clock didn't work, and we couldn't get the phone to work, but I've gotten everything fixed now, so we shouldn't have this problem tomorrow.

Today I don't have any official meetings, but I am going to go over to my school and see if I can get some more resources to plan lessons for Monday, to meet the other assistant principal, and to unload some of my boxes into my classroom. I'd also like to go to the teacher's supply store in town, as well as get some clothes for school on Monday. I only have two short-sleeved shirts, and I'm sure I'll need a few more.

I also need to work on my lesson plans for Monday. David is taking me to Daytona Beach for the weekend, and I don't imagine I'll be getting that much done. Everything is moving so quick, my head is spinning.

The hotel has free wireless internet, and I'll be here for two more nights, so I'll try to update again later today or tomorrow or something.

Send me an e-mail! I miss everyone! mailto:supermatty1982@gmail.com

Both Sides Now

2006-09-20T22:19:00.000-05:00

Both Sides Now
By Joni Mitchell

Rows and floes of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
I've looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way

I've looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real
I've looked at love that way

But now it's just another show
You leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know
Don't give yourself away

I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It's loves illusions I recall
I really don't know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say I love you right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I've looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I've changed
Well something's lost, but something's gained
In living every day

I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all
I've looked at life from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all

-------------------------

Unfortunately, I don't have a lot of time to write. I'm in the process of packing to move, and I should be doing that right now as opposed to wasting time online. I'll be losing my place as of the 29th of this month, and I'll be moving in to my parent's old house until it sells, or until I find a new place. I don't mind that much, because it's nice to be able to go through my stuff and see what I want to keep and what I want to get rid of, but I don't like having to choose to throw away things I would much rather keep.

Consequently, if I own something that you think you would like, please let me know, because it may be something that I am getting rid of.

I'm working on my study right now. I'd much rather be watching TV or doing anything else, really, than packing up my things. I thought I'd be able to stay here longer than a year, but I guess it wasn't meant to be.

I've been giving things away to my friends, but I never know what they want or don't want.

In other news, I'm just really on edge and frustrated and upset about a lot of stuff; so, if I accidently snap at you, don't take it personal. I've got a lot on my mind, and I haven't been sleeping well for the past month.

I'm tired. I'm done for the night.

-------------------------

Do you ever feel like you're the only one making an effort?

Into the Ocean

2006-09-02T22:35:00.000-05:00

From "Into the Ocean"
By: Blue October

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down
Let the rain come down

-------------------------

I can't shake this feeling of helpless melancholy. It seems like nothing is working out right now. Everything I try fails, and I end up back where I started, or worse.

I told my landlord that I would re-sign my lease. I have no idea how I am going to pay for that, but I guess I'll be okay until the first of the month.

My dad and I have not spoken in almost two weeks. He told me that He doesn't want to talk to me until I grow up, and I can call him then. He's angry with me because I haven't signed up for truckdriving school yet. I'm saving that as a very, very last resort. I can't bring myself to be at peace with truckdriving.

I am looking at teaching jobs in Florida. I may move there if I can get a job. I'd rather not, because Michigan is my home, but if that's what has to happen, so be it.

I'm lonely. I spend most of my time alone, and it's so quiet here by myself. It depresses me, and I don't feel like doing anything. I spend most of my time on the couch, watching bad television. I miss having someone else here. I miss David.

I still can't find a job. I hate feeling helpless, and not having a purpose in life. It seems like I don't have a purpose right now, and it is really grating at me.

I have a lot of stuff, and I don't know what to do with it all. I have a lot of nice stuff, and I don't want to just throw it all away, but I need to get rid of it. I am going to try to sell a lot of my books, and I am giving stuff away as well. Please let me know if there is something I have that you would like, because I am probably willing to part with it.

My computer has a virus. Brent is coming over to look at it this weekend, and hopefully it can be fixed. It is very cumbersome to use right now, but it is functional. Hopefully it can be fixed.

Millie and Carla are coming to visit me this weekend, and I am excited and apprehensive. It will be so nice to see them, but I feel bad that I don't have any money to do anything. I feel like such a loser right now.

Pizza night is tomorrow night. I'm up in the air over whether I will go or not. I like hanging out with everyone, but I don't feel like leaving the house much. And, I don't have any money, and I am tired of having to ask Amanda to pay for me. It's not fair for her to pay for me to go and have a good time, and it's embarassing that I don't even have five bucks to throw in for pizza.

I'm not a very good driver lately. My hands tremble a lot of the time, and I get lost and confused a lot. Sometimes, I have to pull over and think about where I am coming from and where I am going, so that I know where I am. I've also been forgetting appointments, names, phone numbers, and a lot of little things lately. Is it possible to have dementia at twenty-four? I think I might...

I still have work to complete for two independent study classes, and I can't concentrate long enough to get anything accomplished for either. I feel like I am letting Cathy down, and creating a lot of unnecessary work for her. I wish I could just get my shit together.

Anyways, there is a lot going on, so please forgive me if I seem distant or confused. It's because I am.

More Good News

2006-08-22T09:41:00.000-05:00

I just talked to my dad a few minutes ago. Among other things, he told me that I'll be living out of my car come October, because he and my mom are done supporting me while I look for a job. I was trying to agree with him, but he just got mad at me. He told me that he wants me to call him back when I grow up, and that he doesn't want to talk to me or see me until then.

FUCK.

...to hell with all of this. I'm done.

Molly Malone

2006-08-18T01:39:00.000-05:00

Molly Malone
Traditional Irish Folk Song

In Dublin's fair city,
Where the girls are so pretty,
I first set my eyes on sweet Molly Malone,
As she pushed her wheelbarrow,
Through streets broad and narrow,
Crying, "Cockles and mussels, alive, alive oh!"

Alive, alive oh! alive, alive oh!
Crying, "Cockles and mussels, alive, alive oh!"

She was a fishmonger,
And sure 't'was no wonder,
For so were her mother and father before,
And they each wheeled their barrow,
Through streets broad and narrow,
Crying, "Cockles and mussels, alive, alive oh!"

Alive, alive oh! alive, alive oh!
Crying, "Cockles and mussels, alive, alive oh!"

She died of a fever,
And no one could save her,
And that was the end of sweet Molly Malone.
Now her ghost wheels her barrow,
Through streets broad and narrow,
Crying, "Cockles and mussels, alive, alive oh!"

Alive, alive oh! alive, alive oh!
Crying, "Cockles and mussels, alive, alive oh!"

-------------------------

Wow, there's not much to update on right now, but I felt like writing for a bit. Things have been really crazy, and I'm not catching much of a break.

I had a breakdown a few days ago. I stayed locked in the house and didn't talk to anyone for four days or so. It was awesome. I'm finally starting to come out of it a bit, but I still don't feel much like leaving the house. I feel like Molly Malone; like I'm dying, but no one can save me, and my spirit will be left to carry on like nothing has happened, and I will have no rest. Pretty hot, huh?

My life has lost it's meaning. I thought I knew what I wanted to do and where I was going, but it seems I've lost all direction, and I'm just living day to day now, going through the motions but not really living. I don't really like this feeling, and it scares me. I start thinking about the purpose of my life, and I don't really see one right now. I don't know who I am, what I am supposed to do with my life, and what my place is in the grand scheme of things. I didn't think life was supposed to be this hard.

I've pretty much settled myself on the fact that I will probably be losing my apartment. I'm starting to give my things away; if anybody knows of anything I own that they would like, please let me know, because my parents say that I need to get rid of most of my stuff if I move back home.

I'm going back to my breakdown now.

A Thought to End The Night

2006-08-03T01:59:00.000-05:00

I too often get emotionally involved when I shouldn't become emotionally involved. I hate that about myself...

Exhausted, Yet Awake

2006-07-22T03:13:00.000-05:00

From "Don't Fence Me In"
As Performed By Ella Fitzgerald

Oh, give me land, lots of land under starry skies above,
Don't fence me in.
Let me ride through the wide open country that I love,
Don't fence me in.
Let me be by myself in the evenin' breeze,
Listen to the murmur of the cottonwood trees,
Send me off forever but I ask you please,
Don't fence me in.

Just turn me loose, let me straddle my old saddle
Underneath the western skies.
On my Cayuse, let me wander over yonder
Till I see the mountains rise.

I want to ride to the ridge where the west commences,
Gaze at the moon till I lose my senses
I can't look at hobbles and I can't stand fences
Don't fence me in.

-------------------------

There is so much going on in my life right now, I feel trapped and without any choices. Just when I think that things are about to go my way, something else comes up, and I am being pulled in another direction. I don't remember things being like this when I was working.

I can't sleep at night anymore. Whenever I try to go to bed at a decent time, something keeps me up, and I either find something that I HAVE to see on TV, or I'm out with someone, or I have company, or I just crawl into bed and lie awake for hours. I'm really not a fan of it. I end up falling asleep close to dawn, and sleeping until early afternoon. I've never had this happen before; I am used to getting to bed at a somewhat decent time, and getting up at a somewhat decent time (i.e. morning). I just can't seem to shake this routine I've fallen into.

Things will get better...

...I hope.

In Knots

2006-07-15T12:13:00.000-05:00

Well, after a much needed full night's sleep, I am feeling a bit less morose, and less antisocial. I still want to spend the rest of my life alone with my books, but close friends and family are now allowed to have short visits to bring me supplies from the outside world. It will be hot.

Thinking about stuff in my life, my stomach is all in knots, and I feel like shit. I just want to spend the whole day in bed, watching movies and not talking to anyone. Maybe I could just sleep.

-------------------------

So, whenever I am in an awful mood and can't sleep, I try to picture something happening that would shift the entire direction my life is taking, and how it would be better if this event happened. Usually, I picture something like winning the lottery or having some super rich, long-lost relative leave me their entire estate, making me super rich. I thought about the lottery last night. It helped me sleep. I pictured the house I wanted to buy, in Maine: it would overlook the ocean, from a cliff above the sea. The water would be that slate-blue/grey that steals your imagination and lets you stare at it for hours and not even know or care. I'd have some of those old adirondack chairs out by the edge of the cliff, where I could go and sit for hours and watch the ocean. The paint would be peeling from the salty sea air, but they would be the most comfortable chairs ever. I could go out there every morning with the newspaper or a magazine, and just sit for hours and listen to the sea break against the base of the cliff.

Of course, since money wouldn't be an option, I would have all the time and resources I needed to finish my doctorate. Then, with all the scads of money I would have, I would start my own historical research think tank, and we would publish a historical academic journal. That would be my job: editor-in-chief of an academic journal. It is something I would really enjoy, and I could do it from home and not have to venture out into the world very often. It would allow me to work for a living, and not simply live off my money. Even when you're super rich, there is something to be said to having a job that makes a difference, or at least something to do. There would be messengers who would bring things for me to read, and they could slip them through my mail slot on the front door, and I wouldn't have to talk to them.

I would do all my work from an old library in the house, like you see in the movies. There would be floor-to-ceiling bookshelves, overflowing with books and manuscripts and such. There would be a giant cherry-wood desk, with one of those green shaded banker's lamps on it, and the desk would be stacked high with things I was working on.

There would be one of those old two-story garages next to the house, detached but connected by a cobblestone walkway. Above the garage would be an artist's loft, because I know an artist who might like to use the space for work. Because the garage is so big, this loft would be a full apartment: kitchen, bathroom, bedroom, and a giant open loft with lots of sunlight for someone who might want to paint. Downstairs are the projects I am working on: restoring an old Buick Roadmaster convertible, and taking care of the teakwood boat that is required when you live on the ocean.

My skin would take on that thick, leathery look of someone who spends their entire life outdoors, and my hair would turn the color of straw. I could wear boat shoes without socks, and no one would notice or care.

Once a week, early in the morning, I would take my bicycle (which, of course, has a basket on the front) and ride into town, to collect the mail, and to buy fresh lobster. The rest of my groceries I would have delivered, but it's so much better to choose your own lobster. I'd also make a stop at the hardware store, to pick up the things I need for restoring the Buick and the boat, and then I'd go back home and have breakfast on the back deck while I listened to the gulls calling and the sea breaking against the cliff.

I think it would be a pretty peaceful life; just me in my house by the ocean.

Maybe someday.

I Am A Rock

2006-07-15T00:47:00.000-05:00

From “I Am A Rock”
By Simon and Garfunkel

A winter’s day
In a deep and dark December
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.

-------------------------

Overwhelmed and underappreciated. I want to spend the rest of my life as a hermit, alone with my books.

A Nice Evening

2006-07-11T01:24:00.000-05:00

Fire and Ice
By Robert Frost

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.

-------------------------

So, the last few days have been exhausting, in all senses of the word: mentally, physically, emotionally. With everything going on in so many different areas of my life, I have felt a huge weight on my shoulders, and haven't wanted to crawl out of bed. It was that way this morning, when I forced myself out from under the blankets to meet the morning.

The end of the day was nice, though.

I spent the evening with my (adopted) family, just hanging out, watching TV, doing crossword puzzles, and relaxing. It was nice to just sit and talk for a while. I came home around 11, and was getting ready to go to bed, when David asked me if we could go to Meijer. I wasn't really thrilled about the idea, because I am tired, but I said that we could go. Well, I'm glad I did. Though it was somewhat tedious at first, it turned out to be a pretty pleasant outing. I was even in a good mood for the latter part of our trip, and we continued being nice to each other once we came through the door. We said goodnight a few minutes ago, and I am just making a quick entry before I head off for bed.

Tomorrow should be nice. I am going to work on going through some more boxes, cleaning up some stuff around the house, and looking for a job. If I get all of that done, I will also be working on the stuff for my independent study classes.

I'm still pretty exhausted though, so I think I am going to go crawl in bed with a crossword puzzle, and see how long I can stay awake.

-------------------------

P.S.
I'm thinking about you, always. I'm in your corner. You know who you are.

Helpless, Impotent, Useless

2006-07-10T12:37:00.000-05:00

From "Rainy Days and Mondays"
As Performed by Karen Carpenter

Talking to myself and feeling old
Sometimes I'd like to quit
Nothing ever seems to fit
Hangin' around, nothing to do but frown
Rainy days and Mondays always get me down

-------------------------

One of the worst feelings in the world is knowing that someone you care about deeply is hurting, and there is nothing that you can do to help them.

I'm used to being the strong one, the one who has all the answers, who can make the big, bad world go away. It's not like that now, though. I feel helpless, like my best efforts are made in vain, and that I can't fix this situation, no matter how hard I try.

It's hard for me to realize that, sometimes, you can be there for someone by not being there. In the heat of the moment, it sounds like a rebuke. But, after thought and reflection, I realize that there are times when I just want to be by myself, too. It's natural. We all need those moments to gather our thoughts for ourselves and figure out the next step to take.

I just want to fix it. And it burns me that I can't.

Freewriting

2006-07-09T03:17:00.000-05:00

I couldn't sleep, and thought that some freewriting would help relax me so I could get some rest. Here goes...

-------------------------

It's nice having the house to myself for the weekend. It doesn't happen much lately. What, with having a temporary roommate for over a month now, it doesn't happen much any more. I miss my quiet time, the time I used to spend by myself, gathering my thoughts, and doing whatever I want. Ever since college, I've been somewhat of a loner. I love the company of my friends and family, but I like having a place to go by myself, where there are no expectations and no one to answer to. I like coming and going as I please, and not having anyone at home worrying about when I will be home or where I've been.I have always been a very social person. But, at the same time, I like to have my own space. I like living by myself, and knowing that I will be coming home to an empty house. Many dread the thought of an empty house; I relish it. I find it much easier to get things done when I am on my own. Knowing that there is no one here to disturb me, I know that I can wake up at 3:00 in the morning and do some research and I won't be disturbing anyone. I like going to the bathroom or taking a shower and not having to close the door. I like spending hours on end just staring out the window, in complete and utter silence. The solitude and peace appeals to the more serene side of me, which is yearning for a calm respite from the otherwise chaotic life I lead.It's nearly four in the morning. The only sounds are of a gentle breeze rustling the leaves on the tree outside my window. I'm home alone, and no one in the neighborhood is awake. The full moon reflects off the soft, cool dew on the morning grass, untouched and undisturbed in the predawn hours. Sleep is rapidly approaching, knocking at the door of my brain, telling me it is time to go, but I don’t want to go. There is still much to be written; much to be experienced. I don’t want to waste time on napping, when the night is so soothing and comforting.

I am enjoying the quiet and solitude of the early morning hours. Soon, the world will be awake, tending to their busy lives: bustling off to church, hurrying to the grocery store, trying to make an early tee time. But now, the world slumbers, and the quiet stillness eases my worried mind. I am alone with the night, and the darkness and silence tames my restless heart.

-------------------------

Well, I don't know as it was worth reading, but there it is. I think I'm ready to try sleep again. Goodnight, all...

Something's Gotta Give

2006-07-09T02:15:00.000-05:00

From "Something's Gotta Give"
As Performed By Ella Fitzgerald

When an irresistible force such as you
Meets an old immovable object like me
You can bet as sure as you live
Something's gotta give, something's gotta give,
Something's gotta give.

-------------------------

I'm going to have to catch a break somewhere...

None of the jobs I am putting in for are panning out. The grocery bill is as high as ever, and the money is running out. And, to top that all off, I just opened the Consumer's Power bill. Oh yeah, it's nearly $300. I have no idea where the money is going to come from to pay that one. Hopefully, Delphi will call, and I can start working soon. I've got to do something, or I will be living out of the car soon.

It's been an interesting day. David is staying with a friend for the weekend, so I have the place to myself for a bit. Amanda came over today, and we watched TV and talked about life. It was nice. I've missed Matty/Amanda time. We're totally going to do it again soon.

After Matty/Amanda time, I went to Amber's for a fire. It was really fun. We burned a whole milk crate full of papers I have been saving to shred (but burning them was so much more fun). We made a run to Taco Bell at like 1 a.m., and then went back to burning stuff. It was a really nice and relaxing way to end the day. We just sat around, throwing the papers and stuff into the fire, and talked about stuff. All in all, it has been a really good day.

On the agenda for tomorrow, I am going to get up semi-early and start going through some more boxes of stuff. Hopefully, that will go well, and I will have time to work on the stuff for my independent study courses. At the very least, I want to finish downloading and printing some journal articles, before my research access to the university expires. After it does, I won't have access to my database of journal articles. Oh well for scholarly research.

After that, I am going to call Bradley and see if he wants to do coffee, then Heidi is supposed to come over. That is going to be followed by pizza at the White Horse, followed by picking up David and coming home. Hopefully, I can get all of my chores done tomorrow, too, because Monday is back to looking for jobs, hardcore. I need to find something. I wish there were some way I could leave the state to find a job, but there is a promise I just can't break that is keeping me here...

Something will come up.

It just has to.

A Blessing in Disguise?

2006-07-01T10:47:00.000-05:00

Taken From "Act Naturally"
As Performed by Buck Owens

They're gonna put me in the movies
They're gonna make a big star out of me
We'll make a film about a man that's sad and lonely
And all I have to do is act naturally

Well, I'll bet you I'm gonna be a big star
Might win an Oscar, you can never tell
The movie's gonna make me a big star
'Cause I can play the part so well

-------------------------

Being unemployed is one of the worst feelings you can have. Not only is there a severely limited revenue entering your household, the party or parties who is/are unemployed feel helpless, like there is nothing he/she/they can do to control his/her/their life/lives. However, while I have not enjoyed my experience being unemployed, I am starting to view it as a blessing in disguise, because it could be a lot worse. My parents are helping me with the basic bills, so I know that the lights will stay on and they won't show up to evict me, and there will be food on the table. So, now that I have had my fill of sulking for the moment, I think I am starting to see a bright side to the whole unemployed situation.

First, being unemployed is a phenomenal opportunity to look for a job that I would like. Sure, I have been putting in for jobs that I wouldn't necessarily love to do for the rest of my life, but for the most part, I have been putting in for jobs that I think would be interesting or fun or at least something I would like to try. I would never have had the time for applying to different positions if I were still at the university. Being laid off has given me the opportunity to explore options for my life, that I most likely would not have explored had I remained in my position.

Second, being unemployed has allowed me to accomplish a lot of things I would otherwise not have been able to accomplish. I have cleaned a lot of things in my house, and I am in the process of going through things and getting rid of them. I would never have had the time to clean out my scary storage room if I were working, and that is what I am going to start this afternoon. Also, I am going through old paperwork and files, and getting rid of things I don't need or want any more. {A bit of an aside: if anyone needs office supplies, i. e. pens, pencils, paper, etc., drop me an e-mail or leave a blog comment. I have stuff I am probably going to get rid of, and I don't want to trash anything if someone can use it.} My life is getting lighter and lighter as I go along, and it is a good feeling. I have been bogged down with my things for so long, that it is nice to get rid of the things I don't need. I just can't part with my books, though. As much as I want to get rid of stuff, my books aren't going anywhere.

Of course, not working makes money tight, and I can't go out and do the things I would like to be doing. I guess there will be time for that later, though. Right now, I am getting caught up on all the chores I have been putting off for a year, and it feels good.

School is another option. I could go back to school full time, and start work on a master's degree.

-------------------------

Not sure what's on the agenda for today. I have to call Bradley and Amanda today, and Heidi is going to call me this evening. Not sure what we're going to do, since there's no money, but at least I get to see them all.

I think I'll start work on the paper for Cathy's class, too. I kinda miss doing research and writing. Maybe it will even make me feel good. I was thinking: if the paper turns out really good, I might use it as a sample to try to get into grad school. Maybe that's an option for me in the fall, instead of working. I've certainly been thinking about a lot, and I realized that I have a lot of options. A good mood is starting to emerge.

Disappointed...

2006-06-27T17:02:00.000-05:00

Well, I just got the call from SVSU. They deciced to pursue another candidate. If this other candidate's background check doesn't check out/they decide not to take the position, then I might get a call from them. I'm holding my breath on that one.

Delphi is still in. I'm glad I went to college for five years to work in the shop.

I really need a drink...

I'm Beginning To See The Light

2006-06-27T11:36:00.000-05:00

Taken from "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock"
By: T. S. Eliot

I grow old … I grow old …
I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.

Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach?
I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach.
I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.

I do not think that they will sing to me.

I have seen them riding seaward on the waves
Combing the white hair of the waves blown back
When the wind blows the water white and black.

We have lingered in the chambers of the sea
By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown
Till human voices wake us, and we drown.

-------------------------

Well, I'm all atwitter right now, wondering what is going to happen with the job at SVSU. I am supposed to hear from them either today or tomorrow, and I have been on pins and needles since the interview, wondering what is going to happen. The interview went really well, and they were very kind and fun people. I feel confident that I gave the very best interview I could possibly give, and I have confidence that I am a strong contender for the job. However, I am nervous as to what they will finally decide. I seem to have bad luck, and I'm worried that something happened and they will go with another of the final candidates. I'll be able to sleep a lot better once I know for sure.

I also got a call from Delphi yesterday, and I had an interview/drug test this morning. They are likely to hire me within the next three weeks, and the interviewer is recommending me for a management program, as I have management experience and a college degree. So, hopefully, if the job doesn't work out at SVSU, I should have something to fall back on until something else comes through. Also, there are a few other openings at SVSU that I am going to put in for, so hopefully I will be working again within a few weeks. I'm excited, because I am getting bored and frustrated with all the sitting at home. I'm not used to having nothing to do.

Anyways, that's the update for right now. I'll try to update again later, when I know something to report.

Why Do I Do This To Myself?

2006-06-03T11:02:00.000-05:00

Over My Head
By: The Fray

I never knew
I never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a queue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth
But that's how it's got to be
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy
I'd rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears and

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Let's rearrange
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage
Just say that we agree and then never change
Soften a bit until we all just get along
But that's disregard
You find another friend and you discard
As you lose the argument in a cable car
Hanging above as the canyon comes between and

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on

And suddenly I become a part of your past
I'm becoming the part that don't last
I'm losing you and its effortless
Without a sound we lose sight of the ground
In the throw around
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down
I won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Everyone knows
She's on your mind

Everone knows I'm in
Over my head
I'm in over my head
I'm over my

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

--------------------

I always end up falling for the wrong people. I hate that about myself. I wish that I could either just meet someone I stand a chance with, and who might be interested in me, or that I would just stop meeting people that make me feel like this. I don't care which, I just don't want to feel like this anymore.

-----

Saginaw Valley called. I have an interview on June 21. Wish me luck.

-----

I'm going to crawl back in bed for a while. It's warm and safe there.

Stressed...

2006-05-26T10:31:00.000-05:00

I just want to crawl under a rock and die. There's so much going on, and I am having a hard time dealing with it. Here's the latest scoop...

I added up all of the bills today. I also balanced my checkbook, and realized how much money I don't have. It turns out that I will be $1650 short on the bills this month. Oh well. I also made a call to a debt consolidation company, and I am hoping to hear from them this afternoon. Maybe I can get this all straightened out.

I have to go to a wedding today. It's two of my best friends, but I just HATE weddings. I never know anyone, and I can't drink anymore, so it's just two hours of dinner and not talking until I get frustrated and leave early.

My apartment is a disaster area. It doesn't seem to matter how good my intentions are, it never seems to get any better. It just keeps getting worse. I think I will go on a "trash spree" this weekend, and start throwing stuff out.

There is some good news, though. My dad had my mom call me yesterday, and it turns out that GM is hiring temporary workers too. I will be going down there on Tuesday to put in for temporary work. Anything will help until I find something permanent.

Things will get better, and soon. I have confidence.

P.S.

2006-05-24T23:47:00.000-05:00

So can I just say, it pisses me off that Blogger doesn't recognize the need for "indenting" text. The "tab" key just moves you around in the browser window, and when I used the "space" key, Blogger automatically removed the spaces from the beginnings of the lines I wanted to use them in. Does Blogger not realize that there is a need for indenting? Say, for instance, one were using verses from a poem, say, "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock" by T. S. Eliot, just for example. Do they not realize that when quoting this material, it should be exactly as the author/publisher intended, stylistically? More to the point, I want to know why I can't reflect the indent in front of "I grow old," "Shall I part," "I do not think," "I have seen," and "We have lingered." In my copy of Eliot, that's how the verses are shown. Apparently, that's not what Blogger had intended me to reflect.

I'm such a literary snob.

Insomina+Matty=New Blog Entry

2006-05-24T23:10:00.000-05:00

From "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock"
By: T. S. Eliot

I grow old...I grow old...
I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.

Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach?
I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach.
I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.

I do not think that they will sing to me.

I have seen them riding seaward on the waves
Combing the white hair of the waves blown back
When the wind blows the water white and black.

We have lingered in the chambers of the sea
By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown
Till human voices wake us, and we drown.

--------------------

Not having a job is starting to affect my life in areas I hadn't anticipated. Because I don't have to be up in the morning to go to work, my body knows that it doesn't need to fall asleep when I put it to bed. So, though my normal bedtime has been somewhere between 10 and 11 since I started this job last August, my body knows that I don't have to wake up at 6:30-7:00 to get ready for work. It says to me "party time!" and won't let me fall asleep, no matter how tired I am (which I really am). So, here I sit, writing in my blog until I start to feel drowsy.

I'm having a pretty good week so far, so I hope that doesn't mean that something bad is about to happen. I had a phone interview for a job in residence life at Saginaw Valley State University on Tuesday morning, and it seemed to go really well. I was well prepared for the interview, and gave thoughtful and insightful answers to all of the questions they asked, without sounding arrogant or cocky. By the end of the interview, the guy who was running the interview told me that I should hear from them by May 31 and they would let me know if I would be asked back for a second interview. Second interviews are either on June 2 or June 14 (he wasn't sure), and the position starts on July 10. I am keeping my fingers crossed, but I don't want to get my hopes up if this job wasn't to be. It sounded like it went well, though. Before we hung up, he told me about the salary and the benefits, though I didn't ask about them. I don't know if that is a good sign, or if it was indifferent and he was just telling me "in case I was wondering" or something. I thought it was a good sign, that he had confidence that I was a pretty good possibility, though I don't want to read more into it than I should. I'm really excited, and hope it works out. I'd like to be able to stay in the area and I think Saginaw Valley would be a fun place to live.

I did the phone interview from my parents' house, and that is always a treat. My mom and I got along really well before the interview, but afterwards, we started picking at each other about stupid stuff, until I got tired of it and decided to leave. Oh well. I hate it when she picks at me about stuff, so I just end up picking at her about stuff, until we both end up pissed off. Who would have known that two adults could be so childish.

So, I found out what is wrong with my Gmail. There is some sort of security setting in place at the university that prevents me from sending mail from that account to a university e-mail account. That means that I will have to set up a new account if I want to e-mail people at the university. Just what I need, another stupid account. Ick.

I spent the day with Brenty today. It was fun. We went to look at some patio chairs at VG's in Genesee because I saw a couple that I really liked. It ends up that they weren't all that great, so I decided not to get them from there. We went and had lunch at Quiznos, looked for furniture for Brenty's place, and then ended up at Harbor Freight on Miller Road. I'd never been there, and I think it's now one of my favorite stores. They had so many neat things there, I never thought of going in there before. I bought an electric deli meat slicer for $20. It's so random, but so cool at the same time. I'm going to buy a boneless ham tomorrow, and make lunch meat. I thought it was pretty cool, and it should be cheaper if I slice my own meat for sandwiches. Leave it to me to buy something so random.

After we left Harbor Freight, we went to Meijer, where I found a chair for the patio that I liked for $13. Now I just need to find one more, and I will be all set.

Then, I went to pick up Alex to hang out for the evening. We went to the car dealership, and I test drove 3 or 4 used cars. As soon as I get a steady job that pays well, I am going to sell my car. I don't like it very much, and it has been nothing but bad luck since I bought it. I think it has bad mojo or something; regardless, I think it doesn't like me, and I want to get rid of it. There was a 1999 Chevy Tahoe for sale, and they wanted $9,800, but my dealer (who, incidentally, is the uncle of one of my best friends from high school) said that he could probably knock ~ $1,000-1,500 off of that price, in addition to giving me a pretty good deal on my trade in. Hopefully, everything will work out, and I can get rid of the Ice Princess in the parking lot.

Tomorrow, I have to finish cleaning up the apartment (which looks like a war zone), I have to see Harold, and I have to see if Millie is coming down. Anthony's wedding is Friday evening, and Millie is going to be my date unless something drastic comes up. It will be so cool to spend time with Millie, being random and watching movies and all that fun stuff. I miss her so much. It will be so cool if I get the job in Saginaw; she is in Mount Pleasant, which will only be about 30-45 minutes away. YAY for seeing Millie!

Anyways, I am going to find something to run through the meat slicer, then I am going to bed.

No Wonder The Calls Haven't Been Coming In

2006-05-22T15:15:00.000-05:00

I'm such a fucking goober sometimes. So, I just got a call from Saginaw Valley State University, inviting me to interview for a position in their Residential Life program, as a Resident Director. It's a phenomenal opportunity, and I am excited to interview for it.

In preparation for the interview, I printed out a copy of my cover letter and resume, which I have been using to apply for jobs online. The opening line states that I am applying for job XYZ, posted on University ABC's website, and why I would be a benefit to their program.

Then, in the closing paragraph, the very last line says "These experiences have given me the knowledge necessary to succeed in a professional residence life program." The only problem is, I forgot to change it in the non-residential positions I applied for. HOW COULD I DO THAT? THIS IS NOT THE TIME FOR MISTAKES! So, needless to say, I am freaking out right now, because there are 4 jobs I applied for that have this mistake in the cover letter.

Hopefully, the position at SVSU will work out, and I won't have to worry about it.

I'm just very angry with myself right now. It's a stupid mistake, and I should know better, especially after Cathy's class. Stupid mistakes like this get your resume thrown on the shit pile, no matter how impressive your credentials would otherwise be. SHIT!!!

Fifty Percent

2006-05-21T00:22:00.000-05:00

Fifty Percent
Music by Billy Goldenberg
Lyrics by Alan and Marilyn Bergman

I don't iron his shirts
I don't sew on his buttons
I don't know all the jokes he tells or the songs he hums
Though I may hold him all through the night
He may not be here when the morning comes

I don't pick out his ties
Or expect his tomorrows
But I feel when he's in my arms, he's where he wants to be
We have no memories bittersweet with time
And I doubt if he'll spend New Year's Eve with me

I don't share his name
I don't wear his ring
There's no piece of paper saying that he's mine
But he says he loves me and I believe it's true
Doesn't that make someone belong to you?

So I don't share his name
So I don't wear his ring
So there's no piece of paper saying that he's mine
So we don't have the memories
I've had enough memories
I've washed enough mornings
I've dried enough evenings
I've had enough birthdays to know what I want

Life is anyone's guess
It's a constant surprise
Though you don't plan to fall in love
When you fall...you fall
I'd rather have fifty percent of him
Or any percent of him
Than all of anybody else at all

--------------------

Yeah, I know. There's been a lot of music in here lately. I think that I get bored while blogging, so I type the lyrics of the song that I'm listening to. And, it just so happens that I have been listening to a lot of Bea Arthur on Broadway lately. So sue me. It's fun, and it makes me happy, so get off my back ;-). Things may be starting to look up for a change. I found out on Thursday that Brenty has those referrals for Delphi, and I have a good feeling about it. Also, Harold, who is moving to Florida in a few weeks, has plans to start an online business (selling antiques on Ebay), and he wants someone to write ad copy for him. He says that within six months to a year, he should be able to afford to pay me $50,000 to move to Florida and help him run the business. I'm excited about the opportunity, though I want to talk to him about the possibility of working from Michigan for part of the year. Though I think it would be fun to live in Florida, all of my family and friends are here in Michigan, and I don't know if I could handle the weather in Florida year round. I kinda like having the seasons. It would be nice to be able to go to Florida, but I don't know if I would want to live there year round. I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

I got my desktop computer up and running now. It's a good thing, because the new laptop died. I have to wait on Gateway to send me a repair CD, and if that doesn't work, then I will have to ship the whole thing back to the company. I'm hoping to avoid that. Though this computer is nice and I like it, I don't want to be stuck without the laptop. It's so convenient.

I'm going to the FIA movie with Karen and Paco tomorrow, then I'll be at home most of the day trying to clean up this trashy apartment. I am now officially unemployed, so if anyone wants to hang out, all you have to do is call or leave me a message on AIM. There's pretty much nothing going on, other than cleaning and looking for jobs online. Hopefully, I will find something soon. I have gotten used to the idea of eating, and I don't want to give it up.

I should also get to work on some of the assignments for Cathy's classes. I still have a lot of reading left to do, and a giant research paper left to write.

I hope it's nice out tomorrow. I want to open up all of the windows and do some writing. Maybe I'll start work on my novel again. That would be a good alternative to doing something productive. Way to go Matty.

Anyways, I guess I should start thinking about bed: it's going on two o'clock, and I have to be up for a champagne brunch tomorrow before the FIA movie.

The Chance to Sing

2006-05-19T09:34:00.000-05:00

The Chance to Sing
Music by Billy Goldenberg
Lyrics by Tom Jones

We’re like birds
Who are perched
On the limbs of a tree
When the time is right
We simply fly away

Then other birds come
And take our places
But they won’t stay

We come, we go
It was always so
And so it will always be

We’re like a flock of birds
Moving endlessly
But listen to me
I want you to know the most important thing

Before the time when we must fly away
We have the chance to sing
Don’t miss the chance to sing.

--------------------

So, today is my last day of work. It's a very strange feeling. My office is completely empty of personal things, except my bookbag and my coat. There is nothing on the desk, I've taken all the files off my computer, and there is nothing in any of the drawers or cabinets. There's nothing really for me to do, either. I have a few odds and ends that my boss would like me to work on, but I have been taking my time. Why should I bust my ass? What are they going to do, fire me on my last day?

I'm having lunch with some colleagues today at noon. That should be fun. I am really excited to get away from the office and see these friends on a personal level. It's just too uncomfortable to talk about the situation while I am in the office.

Things may be starting to look up a little, however. Brenty found out that he has the opportunity to put in two recommendations for temporary work at Delphi, and he put in me and his fiancee. It's only temporary for right now, but they are starting temps off at $14 an hour, and they are working a lot of overtime. The way I figure it, I might make something like $40,000 for a year if I work enough overtime. That would be pretty sweet. I could pay off all of my bills except for student loans, get my car fixed and maybe trade it in for something a little more practical, and save up enough to not work while I am finishing my master's degree. Who knows? If I work for a couple of years and save up enough, I may not have to work while I work on my master's OR my doctorate. That would be awesome. Maybe something is finally going to go my way.

My friend Harold is moving to Florida in a few weeks to get married. I am really kinda bummed out about it. I am extremely happy for him, because he deserves to be happy and to enjoy life, but I won't be able to see him for a really long time. I don't have the money to just take off and go to Florida, so I don't know when I'll see him next. I guess I'll just have to spend as much time as possible with him before he goes.

I'm in a weird mood, and can't wait for 5 o'clock...

...

2006-05-12T23:13:00.000-05:00

So now, I've been accused of stealing from the university, and I am no longer allowed to work. I had to turn in my keys to the office, and I will have to use vacation time until my last day. While I was gone on a sick day, someone from the office unlocked my office, rummaged through my stuff, and decided that some of the boxes I had packed (some to stay, some to come home) contained items which I was trying to steal (again, boxes which I had intended to stay in the office).

I'm not so much concerned about the fact that the university is trying to make sure that employees who leave do not steal. What I am concerned with is that no one asked me to show them any of the boxes that I was taking with me (since I haven't taken anything out of the office yet) and instead decided to rummage through my office while I was gone for the day, to accuse me of stealing.

Fuck the University of Michigan-Flint, and everything it stands for. I am utterly disgusted and offended, and wish the shit would just stop. I already quit, what more do you fucking want from me? LEAVE ME ALONE!

When It Rains, It Pours...

2006-05-07T20:34:00.000-05:00

It now turns out that I will most likely be let go from my job. Please drop a nickel in my cup when you see me begging in front of the Pavilion.

Don't Worry, I'm Okay

2006-05-04T14:43:00.000-05:00

Car accidents suck. And my cute little Pontiac is now crumpled.

Not Funny

2006-04-27T09:32:00.000-05:00

It's so not funny that I'm sick the day I have to take the only final exam of the semester. I am not amused.

Helping Bradley With an Assignment

2006-04-20T17:12:00.000-05:00

So, Bradley is writing a paper on blogs, so I am updating mine right now as a way to help him with his paper (as a way to cop out of writing my own).

There comes a point before any paper is done that I procrastinate and wait until the very last minute to finish it up. I don't know why I do this. My papers have a potential for being very good pieces of research, but they always come out less than perfect because I don't spend enough time working on them. I would eventually like to finish a doctorate in history, something I definitely will not succeed at if my writing habits do not improve. I have written some in-depth pieces of writing on several different subjects, but they are not nearly as good as I would like them to be, and not nearly as good as I am capable of.

I'm in the middle of working on a paper right now for my History of Women in America class. It's going to be a pretty good piece of work, but I just can't manage to dig my heels in and get to work on this one. I'm extremely interested in the topic, but I think I am burned out on being overscheduled right now. It would be so much easier if it were like my first time through college, where I only had a piddly part time job, and could devote 10-12 hours in a day to research and writing. The quality of my writing has dropped dramatically since I started my "grown-up" job.

I also owe Cathy 5 book summaries and 30 pages of research writing. The thought of finishing all this work makes my brain hurt. If I had tenure, this is the point when I would be asking for a research sabbatical in which I would study the relevance of constant viewing of the History Channel. And you know what? I could probably get a university to pay me to do that, if I were tenured. But alas. The long road to my PhD and ultimately to job security is long and paved with the work of countless sleepless nights.

So, last week, I went to Sam's Club and Wal-Mart with Bradley and Jennie. They had to pick up some supplies for the Writing Center. They had $20, but everything came to like $25, so I donated the difference to the Writing Center supply fund or whatever. Now, instead of repayment, I am holding out for an "endowed chair" in my name: The Marian E. Wright Writing Center Matthew McGaffigan Endowed Chair. We'll see how that comes along.

OK. Back to the paper now.

So Much To Do

2006-04-18T12:56:00.000-05:00

Like everyone else, I have a lot I need to do in the next week and a half. So, of course, I am blogging instead. I'm not too concerned, though, because it's my lunch break, and I was supposed to have been busy right now. Heidi and I were going to have lunch, but she didn't show up. I hope everything is okay--she didn't answer her phone. I left her a message; hopefully she'll get back to me, or leave me a message or something, so I know she isn't dead.

I was going to take the day off today, because I need to finish this research paper, which is due on Thursday. I could always just pull an all-nighter Wednesday night, but I think instead I will work on it during class tonight, and maybe stay up a little later tonight getting it done. Maybe I should take tomorrow off, but I don't want to cancel my lunch plans. Oh well.

I think I am going to look for a second job. I need more money, and I don't think I'm in the running for a raise yet. Maybe I could be a third shift Pinkerton guard or something. That would be hot.

I'm so tired, I just want to lie down and take a nap. I should have thought of that earlier in my lunch break. I could totally have had an hour nap.

Or you could just let me sleep...and wake me up when this semester is over.

Where Do You Start?

2006-04-16T11:52:00.000-05:00

Where Do You Start?
Music by Johnny Mandel
Lyrics by Marilyn and Alan Bergman

Where do you start?
How do you separate the present from the past?
How do you deal with all the things you thought would last,
That didn't last?
With bits of memories scattered here and there,
I look around and don't know where to start.

Which books are yours?
Which tapes and dreams belong to you and which are mine?
Our lives are tangled like the branches of a vine
That intertwine.
So many habits that we'll have to break
And yesterdays we'll have to take apart.

One day there'll be a song or something in the air again,
To catch me by surprise and you'll be there again.
A moment in
What might have been...

Where do you start?
Do you allow yourself a little time to cry,
Or do you close your eyes and kiss it all goodbye?
I guess you try.
And though I don't know where
And don't know when
I'll find myself in love again,
I promise there will always be
A little place no one will see:
A tiny part deep in my heart
That stays in love with you.

Where do you start?

--------------------

I put in my Bea Arthur CD this morning, because I am working on some stuff in the study and needed something to listen to. I'm not sure why I chose this particular CD, because I go through phases with it. Sometimes I listen to it several times in a week, then I put it away and don't listen to it for a month. Today, for whatever reason, I was compelled to take it down from the shelf and put it in the player as I checked and responded to e-mail and started research for a paper on Women in America. Though Bea Arthur does not have a "traditionally beautiful" voice for singing, there is something about the passionate way she belts out these songs that make me love to listen to her. I like the entire CD, but there are a few songs that always manage to zing me when they start, and it happens every time. The one above, "Where Do You Start?" is one of them. There is something about it that always wraps itself around me and makes me stop and think. I think that is the whole point of the song; it makes me stop and think about memories past, and I never feel angry or depressed or happy. I think the best way to describe it is bittersweet, and contemplative. I think about the times that my life and the life of another have been "tangled like the branches of a vine that intertwine," and I think about how nice it was at the time. I'm not sad that it is over; just bittersweet. And I know that things weren't meant to continue, and that it was right that it should end. But, as as always happens to me, sometimes "there'll be a song or something in the air again, to catch me by surprise and you'll (they'll) be there again" and I feel that contemplative and bittersweet feeling in the pit of my stomach. It's not a sad feeling. I don't even think there are words to describe it, but I'm sure you know what I'm talking about.

I think the thing I like most about this experience when it comes along is that it has a way of lowering my guard. I am usually so guarded about my emotions and thoughts, that I don't even process them. I am so good at listening to others and being the listening ear and the shoulder to lean on, but I don't seek others for strength and support as often as I should. I put my thoughts away on a shelf, and they wait for Bea Arthur to call to them, like the Pied Piper, and bring them to my feet like a cat with a mouse.

They don't come for a visit that often; but I like it when they do.

So I'll take some time to visit, letting my thoughts and feelings sit down for a cup of coffee, and I'll take the time to listen and speak my piece. Then, after they're gone, it's back to paper writing.

Make sure you take time to let your feelings visit, too.

An Epiphany

2006-04-13T20:50:00.000-05:00

So, I've had an epiphany. I now realize why I hate celebrating my birthday.

I called to talk to my mom a few hours ago, and mentioned that we should go out to dinner for my birthday, which is approaching in the near future. She told me that it wouldn't make sense to go out for my birthday, because she and my dad will be celebrating their 31st anniversary before then, and if they go out, it should be in celebration of their anniversary, not my birthday. She went on about this for like five minutes, prompting me finally to say "Jesus Christ, I'm sorry I even mentioned it. Just drop the whole damn thing." To which she said "I don't know why you get all wound up about these things."

Since about my tenth birthday, celebrating the anniversary of my birth has been viewed by my family as a minor event, one that generally passes quietly and without much hoopla. While every day that you are alive is important, birthdays don't seem to be a very big deal in my family, and are more or less passed without much fanfare. I've grown up with the impression that birthdays are not that big a deal, and it has stuck with me since. I don't celebrate my birthday in general, and I rarely tell anyone when it is. Since birthdays have never been a big thing in my family, I have gotten used to quiet birthdays with little celebration, and I now find that when people make a big (or any) deal about my birthday, it makes me very uncomfortable and embarassed. I don't like anyone to know when my birthday is, and I generally let it pass quietly and without comment.

--------------------

So, on to other stuff. I find that I have been in a really bad mood this week, and I don't know what is going on. I had a bad meeting with one of my new supervisors this week, and she feels that I am not keeping up with my job responsibilities as well as I should be. I wish that I could. Everyone thinks that I have super-human strengths and abilities, and that I should be able to complete thirty tasks all at once. Well, I hate to break the news to the office, but it just doesn't work that way. I can't attend a conference and process piles of paperwork and implement a university-wide initiative and write letters to seventy schools and send e-mail messages to three thousand students all at once. I'm pretty good at my job, but I'm not that good.

I'm feeling overwhelmed. I just want to pull the blankets over my head and stay in bed all day. This semester can't end soon enough.

Isn't it rich?
Isn't it queer?
Losing my timing this late in my career

But where are the clowns?
Send in the clowns
Well maybe next year...

Overwhelmed

2006-04-12T13:31:00.000-05:00

Do you have those days where you want to pull the blankets over your head and pretend that you don't hear the alarm clock? I've been having more and more of those days lately.

I'm in a rut, and I don't know how to get out. It seems like my days are all the same thing: get up, go to work, be stressed, go home (or to class), watch some television, eat some crappy dinner, go to bed. Repeat. Every once in a while there is a wild card thrown in there (coffee with Bradley, a movie with Karen, visiting my parents), but in general, it is the same old shit I do every day.

I think part of the problem is the fact that the weather is getting nicer, and I don't want to be stuck inside. This isn't what I had envisioned for my life. I always wanted to be a writer, so I could work when I wanted to (i.e. work until 3 in the morning, but get to sleep in). Maybe I'm in a poopy mood because I realize I'm not a very good writer, and would probably never be able to make any sort of living doing it professionally. I'd consider academic writing, but I can't even manage to keep up in my classes right now. Thank God for Cathy and incompletes; otherwise, I'd flunk out of college.

I'm not where I want to be in life, and it is making me extremely uncomfortable. But this isn't the motivational kind of discomfort, the kind which prods you into action. This is the oppressive kind, the kind that makes your chest feel tight and tingly.

Oh well.

I Stole This From Amanda

2006-04-03T19:27:00.000-05:00

Italics applies to me; copy, paste and add your own line.

* I miss somebody right now.
* I don't watch much TV these days.
* I love olives.
* I own lots of books.
* I wear glasses or contact lenses.
* I love to play video games.
* I've watched porn movies.
* I have been in a threesome.
* I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.
* I believe honesty is usually always the best policy.
* I curse all the time.
* I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.
* I carry a knife/razor with me everywhere
* I'm TOTALLY smart.
* I have broken someone's bones.
* I have a secret that I am afraid to reveal.
* I hate the rain.
* I'm paranoid at times.
* I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
* I need/want money right now.
* I love sushi.
* I think girls talk too much.
* I have long hair
* I have lost money in Las Vegas.
* I have at least one sibling.
* I was born in a country outside the US
* I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past.
* I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.
* I know how to cornrow.
* I am usually pessimistic.
* I have a lot of mood swings.
* I think prostitution should be legalized.
* I think Britney Spears is pretty.
* I slept with a roommate.
* I have a hidden talent
* I am hyper no matter how much sugar I have
* I have a lot of friends.
* I am currently single.
* I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.
* I love to shop.
* I enjoy window shopping.
* I would rather shop than eat.
* I would classify myself as ghetto. (pfft)
* I'm bourgie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders.
* I'm obsessed with my Xanga or LJ.
* I don't hate anyone. I just think they're stupid.
* I'm a pretty good dancer.
* I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
* I have a cellphone.
* I believe in God.
* I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months
* I've rejected someone before.
* I have no idea what i want to do for the rest of my life
* I someday want to have children in the future.
* I have changed a diaper before.
* I've called the cops on a friend before.
* I am a member of the Tom Green fan club.
* I am not allergic to anything
* I have a lot to learn.
* I am shy around the opposite sex.
* I'm online 24/7, even as an away message.
* I have at least 5 away messages saved.
* I have tried alcohol or drugs before.
* I have made a move on a friend's significant other i.e. I'm a backstabber
* I own the "South Park" movie.
* I have avoided assignments at work/school to be on Xanga or Livejournal.
* When I was a kid I played "the birds and the bees" with a neighbor or chum.
* I enjoy some country music.
* I would die for my best friends.
* I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza.
* I watch soap operas whenever I can.
* I'm obsessive, and often a perfectionist.
* I have used my sexuality to advance my career.
* I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all.
* I know all the words to Slick Rick's "Children's Story".
* Halloween is awesome because you get free candy.
* I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I love it.
* I have dated a close friend's ex.
* I like surveys/memes.
* I am happy at this moment.
* I'm obsessed with guys.
* Democrat.
* Conservative Republican.
* I am punk rockish.
* I am preppy.
* I Study for tests most of the time.
* I tie my shoelaces differently from anyone I've ever met.
* I love my job.
* I am comfortable with who I am right now.
* I spend ridiculous amounts of money on makeup.
* I believe in prophetic dreams.
* I plan on achieving a major goal/dream.
* I am proficient on a musical instrument.
* I hate office jobs.
* I love sci-fi movies.
* I think water rules.
* I went to college out of state.
* I am adopted.
* I like sausage
* I am a pyro.
* I have thrown up from crying too much
* I love kisses.
* I fall for the worst people and have been hurt every time.
* I can't live without black eyeliner.
* I think my school is awesome.
* I think pigtails are amazing
* I don't know why the hell I just did this stupid thing.
* I usually like covers better than originals.
* I don't like multi-textured ice cream.
* I think John Cusack is adorable.
* I can't whistle
* I have ridden/owned a horse.
* I still have every journal I've ever written in.
* I can't stick to a diet.
* I talk in my sleep.
* I've often thought that I was born in the wrong century.
* I try to forget things by drowning them out with loads of distractions.
* I would not be friends with them if they weren't family.
* I have a tattoo.
* I can't stand at LEAST one person I work with
* I am a caffeine junkie.
* I read trashy romance novels and I am ashamed.
* I love wrestling.
* I am completely tree-huggy spiritual, and I'm not ashamed at all.
* If I knew I would get away with it, I would commit at least one murder.
* I cosplayed or know what cosplaying is.
* I will collect anything, and the more nonsensical, the better.
* I enjoy a nice glass of wine with dinner.
* I have a goal to collect every Johnny Depp movie ever made.
* I am an artist
* I am ambidextrous.
* I sleep with so many stuffed animals.
* My computer has a name.
* If it weren't for having to see other people naked, I'd live in a nudist colony.
* I hate my toes.
* I did this Meme even though I wasn't tagged by the person who took it before me.
* I have more friends on the internet than in real life.
* I have lived in either three different states or countries.
* I am flexible.
* I love hugs more than kisses.
* I smoke or have tried cigarettes.
* I have met a star from ABC's LOST.
* I want to own my own business.
* No one has ever said i'm normal.
* Sad movies, games, fics and the like can cause a trickle of tears every now and then.
* I am proficient in the use of many types of firearms and combat weapons.
* I like the way women look in stylized men's suits.
* I don't like it when people are displeased or seem displeased with me.
* I have been described as a dreamer or likely to have my head up in the clouds.
* I have played tennis with my non dominant hand before.
* I have played strip poker with someone else before.
* I read the labels on food, shampoo, and other things just because.
* I have emotional problems for which I have sought professional help.
* I believe in ghosts and the paranormal.
* I can't stand being alone.
* I have at least one obsession at any given time.
* I weigh myself, pee/poo, and then weigh myself again.
* I consistently spend way too much money on obsessions-of-the-moment.
* I'm a judgmental asshole.
* I'm a HUGE drama-queen.
* I have traveled on more than one continent.
* I was a Spice Girls fan and I'm proud of it.
* I sometimes wish my father would just disappear, but I never mean it.
* I have seen every single episode of more than one television show.
* I need people to tell me I'm good at something in order to feel that I am.
* I am a Libertarian.
* I can sing songs in languages I don't speak.
* I can speak more than one language.
* I can fall asleep even if the whole room is as noisy as it can be.
* I am ovulating.
* I am very confused.
* I believe that everything ends.
* I like happy endings.
* I ask too many questions.
* I am a closet philanthropist.
* I can recite all 50 states in alphabetical order, from memory.
* I would rather read than watch TV.
* I like reading fact more than fiction.
* I have pulled an all-nighter on an assignment I was given a month to do.
* I have at one time considered becoming an assassin using only a knife and a pack of gum.
* My parents never gave me a set allowance.
* I have spent the night in a train station or other public place.
* I have been so upset over my physical gender that I cried.
* I have more pets than I have good friends.
* I have ridden in a vintage airplane.
* I maintain that Marmite is magically delicious.
* I am obsessed with Victorian literature.
* I love to travel.
* I have a talent for complicating people's lives unintentionally.
* I go completely out of control when I'm on my period.
* I’ve run away from home.
* Internet friendships freak me out.
* I don't like uneven numbers.
* I think I have a mild case of OCD.
* I have numerous crushes on TV characters
* I am the first in my family to graduate high school.
* I can't live without my watch.
* I hate time.
* I spend a lot of time rehearsing scenarios in my head about really inconsquential things.
* I talk to myself far too much.
* School takes up 50% or more of my time.
* I'm known for singing in the shower.
* It is illegal for me to have any type of life.
* I'm a bandie, geek and jock all in one!
* I'm a HUGE Backstreet Boys fan. And I'm not 12.
* I know what Glamorous Indie Rock 'N Roll is.
* I live in a dorm on a college campus.
* I've often wondered whether Robin from Batman was gay.
* I try to write down my dreams as soon as I wake up so I could recall them in the future.
* I want to cry over something that's made me happy, and I haven't experienced that yet.
* I haven't experienced what it feels like to be in love yet.
* I've done numerous offenses in school... and I've only been caught ONCE. .. once is all it took!
* I don't read romance novels.
* I can drink 1 liter of Coke in one sitting.
* I wish i could reach the lrt station at katipunan.
* I’m currently tired and staring at mikey’s picture!
* I'd probably die without my cellphone
* I've got 99 problems, and a bitch is every one of them.
* I've been so in love that it hurts.
* I like beer.
* I don't have much interest for the opposite sex (at least not as much as I have for same sex).
* I'm absent-minded .
* I have class very soon.
* I should be sleeping now
* I am at work right now.
* There are about ten better things I could be doing at this moment.
* I want to be at home curled up with my kitty and family right now.
* I am in a kickass rock band who tours the world playing sold out shows.
* I have to fart.
* I have been served a Jury Duty Notice, while living outside of the country for over 6 months.
* I got engaged on a birthday or major holiday
* I'm "horny" ;-)
*I have been discriminated against [because of race/religion/sexual orientation/etc] and it caused me bodily harm.
*I desperately want my parents to be proud of me.
* My hair sucks.
* I think everything i do is worthless
* I hate lactose.
* I wonder if there is a meaning of life, and whether it is something I should have figured out by now.

Take that, bitches!

Not much of an update, I know, but it'll have to do for now. Way too much going down right now for in-depth updates on the condition of Matty.

An Update

2006-03-01T15:16:00.000-05:00

Phew, it's been a long time since I updated. There's been so much going on, that I haven't had the time to post an update. I've barely had time to sit down and think, let alone type something about what's going on.

It turns out that I had a minor stroke, but the doctors don't think it's anything to be too concerned with. I've been strongly instructed to take my medications as directed and to attempt to lose weight, as well as cutting sodium from my dietary intake. They are certain that I won't suffer from any side effects, other than some residual numbness and slight memory loss that I am already experiencing. With time, though, chances are that the numbness will go away. I guess all I can do is attempt to follow the doctor's orders and make myself healthier.

It's spring break, but it doesn't feel like much of a break. What happened to the cool days of college when I could spend the entire week doing nothing but watching movies and lying on the couch? This whole work thing isn't any fun as far as that is concerned.

Bradley and I are having a movie day on Saturday, so I have to work really hard this week at getting the apartment in order. It looks like a tornado tore through there, and I would be MORTIFIED if he saw it the way it is now. No human should be subjected to such a disaster; it's bad enough that I have to look at it.

I should be working on reading for Cathy's class, but since it's reading, I have this awful voice that tells me "Don't worry about it right now. It's just reading. You can catch up on it when you have some down time." Yeah, thanks stupid voice. You're putting me behind in my reading. And we won't even start on the research paper topic. ARRGH!

Well, that's about all the update I can stomach for right now. I never liked blogging at the office anyways. There will likely be more in the next few days, when I can blog at home.

If you want to make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself, then make a change

I'm starting with the Man in the Mirror
I'm asking him to change his ways
And no message could have been any clearer
If you want to make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself, then make a change

Disappointment

2006-02-11T17:40:00.000-05:00

I don't know why I set myself up for disappointment in life. I should know better than to expect anything out of certain people; yet, I still get disappointed when things fall through. I was so good at remembering that things would probably fall through: and it was then that I was happiest. I wish I could go back to that...

Photographs and Memories

2006-02-11T14:54:00.000-05:00

So of course, since I'm in a bad mood, I thought it would be a good idea to bust out my box of photos and treasured memories. What a stupid idea.

Former friends. Dead relatives. My first love. People I don't get to see very often. Me doing goofy things my freshman year of college. Valentine's cards from people who could care less about me now. Love letters. The program from the play we saw. Ticket stubs from movies and concerts.

I can't take it. I'm going back to the couch. Forward my messages to the lump under the blanket.

Photographs and memories
Christmas cards you sent to me
All that I have are these to remember you

Memories that come at night
Take me to another time
Back to a happier day when I called you mine

But we sure had a good time when we started way back when
Morning walks and bedroom talks; oh, how I loved you then

Summer skies and lullabies
Nights we couldn't say goodbye
And of all of the things that we knew not a dream survived

Photographs and memories
All the love you gave to me
Somehow it just can't be true that's all I've left of you

But we sure had a good time when we started way back when
Morning walks and bedroom talks; oh, how I loved you then.

~Jim Croce

The Shit Never Stops

2006-02-11T14:21:00.000-05:00

I wish I could figure out what was making me upset, so I could be happy again. I liked it much better when I was happy. I know it wasn't that long ago, but I don't know what has put me in this mood I've been in. It seems like the tiniest things piss me off, and I just want to come home and be by myself. It never used to be like this. When I was in college, I had days when I didn't want to do anything or see anyone, but they never lasted more than a day or two; certainly, they never lasted for weeks like this one.

Maybe there's just been too much going on for me to get over whatever is making me this way. I mean, that is certainly a possibility. When I was in college, I only worked a part time job, and I only took 12 credit hours at a time. Now, I am working 40+ hours a week, and taking 12 credit hours. I have very little time to decompress, and maybe that is what is keeping this mood aging in the charcoal barrel of myself, like backwoods moonshine whiskey. And like the moonshine in the backyard still, this mood is seriously going to fuck me up if I can't figure out how to get rid of it.

In other news, my health is great as usual. I had my blood pressure taken at work on Tuesday, and it was really high. Then, Tuesday night, my arm went numb, and I went to the Emergency Room on Wednesday morning. They admitted me, and did not let me out until Thursday afternoon, after a series of embarassing and intrusive tests. It now turns out that I might have had a minor hemorrhagic stroke, because there is a "shadow" on my brain that may turn out to be blood. Fuck yeah. That's what I'm talking about. Nothing like a potentially debilitating neurological episode to make you feel like a real man. I'm going to go out an conquer the world now. If I can just bring myself to leave the house.

Oh yeah, I forgot the best part of that story. It is now the middle of February, and I met with my primary physician, who would like me to follow up with a neurologist. Fine. But, you'll love this part: the neurologist wants to see me on March 22nd. March FUCKING 22nd! Hope to God I'm not dead by then. Oh well. If I am, someone will get a life insurance policy from the university.

I thought I'd be taking the world by storm at this point in my life. I never expected to be working an entry-level job and taking classes, trying to figure out how to live on my meager salary while paying for college and paying back student loans. I guess I never thought I'd be a millionaire at ths pint, but I did think I would be making enough money so that I wouldn't have to worry about how to pay the bills and still have money to set aside for my retirement, if I live that long. Oh well. As Doris Day said: "Que sera sera. Whatever will be, will be."

This entry is depressing, and I am as sick of writing it as you will be reading it, so I'm done for now. Back to lying on the couch.

...

2006-02-02T16:20:00.000-05:00

I quit...

Brokeback Mountain

2006-01-28T23:00:00.000-05:00

I saw Brokeback Mountain last night with Amanda and Ryan. It was a really good movie, but I am confused about what I am feeling. It was a beautiful story about two men who fall in love while working on the side of a mountain in Wyoming, herding sheep for a summer. Though they go their separate ways at the end of the summer, they find a way to keep in contact, though both get married and start families.

On the one hand, I am touched by the fact that, though they live hundreds of miles apart and see each other only a few times a year, they manage to maintain their love for one another. At the same time, I feel pain for them, not being able to spend their lives together. I also feel anger towards both of them, for not finding some way to make their relationship work as more than an occasional visit.

I'm also a little confused about the movie, and I think I'll have to see it a second time.

...and I've been in a mood since I saw it.

Miffed at Myself

2006-01-22T22:50:00.000-05:00

Another weekend has passed, and I have yet t0 do anything of substance. I am starting to get really frustrated with myself. I had a tremendous list of things that I needed to get done this weekend, and I have hardly done any of them. I realize that there was a lot going on this weekend (as with every weekend); however, that's still no excuse for this habit I have of procrastination.

It doesn't help that today was really shitty. Today was the first day in a long time that I just wanted to crawl back in bed and start over tomorrow. I didn't get the stuff done that I needed to today, and other stuff going on made me crawl into bed about 4 o'clock, pull the blankets over my head, and wish for a new day.

Things did get better later in the day, though, when I met Amanda and Ryan for dinner and hanging out time. It was good for me to get out of the house and forget about the shit that was going down at this address earlier in the day.

Millie called to see if I was okay. I didn't sound happy when I left her a message earlier, and I'm not happy. I didn't expect my life to be like this. I thought I'd be rich and happy after college. Ha. So much for that idea.

That's it. I'm really tired, and I just got done with some homework for my online class a few minutes ago. I think I am going to put this day to rest and start fresh in the morning.

Goodnight.

"these memories, they're nothing but phantoms
empty husks of former exploits
dried up and brittle, ready
to blow away in the wind
in a cloud of dust"

Gone...

2006-01-22T17:04:00.000-05:00

The rain drums angrily on the windowpane
reminding me that you are gone.

A chill breeze rushes in,
cutting my flesh like a razorblade.

I pull the blankets closer
wishing you were here to warm me

But you are gone.

Still In A Weird Mood

2006-01-21T13:25:00.000-05:00

I don't know what it is, but I can't seem to shake this funk I'm in lately. I mean, it comes and goes depending on what's going on, but I haven't been really happy lately. I'm not really sure why that is. I think maybe I'm just tired, and need some time off from everything. Summer is only a few months away; I guess I'll just keep plugging away until then.

I can't motivate myself to do anything today. I slept in a bit and got up and had breakfast, but I just can't seem to get myself motivated to do anything else yet today. I know there is a ton of stuff I need to be doing, but I just can't seem to get up off the couch. I'm addicted to The West Wing, and it doesn't help that I bought two more seasons last night. I am just finishing up the first season, and I was almost free. Now I have seasons 2 and 3 that I will have to get into. Oh well.

I'm going to Brent's engagement dinner in a little bit. That's exciting. I really like everyone, but I'm just somewhat socially awkward at those events. I'm always afraid that I'm going to say something offensive or something personal that I shouldn't, and embarass myself and everyone else. I don't know why I get like that. These people are like family, as a matter of fact, they have been my adopted family for over ten years. So why do I still feel a bit uncomfortable around them? I just can't figure it out. Maybe it's just that I want them to like me so much, and I'm afraid that they will find something about me that they don't like and stop talking to me. God, I'm such a drama queen sometimes.

The rain changed to snow sometime during the night. I like the snow. It covers the earth like clean, crisp bedlinens, and hides the ugly landscape that has become dirty and muddy from the dampness. I think I'll go out and make a snow angel on the front lawn. The snow there is virgin and untouched; no one has set foot on the dazzling white expanse that spans from sidewalk to sidewalk beneath my patio.

I like that idea.

Listen To The Rhythm Of The Falling Rain

2006-01-21T00:23:00.000-05:00

Well, it's midnight Friday night/Saturday morning, and I'm really not sure why I'm still awake. I was making the attempt to go to bed about an hour ago, but I didn't quite make it down the hallway. The mess in my study was calling my name, "Matty....MATTY! Come over to the dark side. Come play with us. Explore that which is the debris of your life!" It's kinda odd. And it seems like the voice only calls to me late at night. Maybe it's from a lack of sleep. I'm not sure. So anyways, I came in here to see if there was anything I could accomplish quickly, and I lodged myself in the quagmire which is my study. I don't know if I could even find the door right now if I wanted to. Why can't I ever just let things be?

All this cleaning and organizing has forced me to go through all sorts of stuff I didn't realize I had, or was trying to forget. I came across the manuscript of a book I started to write. Sixty pages of drivel. I ran it through the shredder. It was liberating and painful at the same time. Though I would never have wanted anyone to see the drivel I come up with in my mind, that drivel represented a big chunk of time that I spent writing and editing and rewriting. Maybe it's because I'm a packrat, but I hate to throw things away. There may have been some good ideas in that manuscript, that I could have used to start a new book. Although there's no point dwelling on it; it's already destroyed. I guess I'll just have to start on something new.

I wonder about the point of all the things I am doing. Why is it necessary to make this place neat and organized? I know where everything is: why does it need to be changed? I feel as if I were creating a home that no one will ever see. Who am I cleaning up for? There isn't anyone to share this home with. Am I just wasting my time?

It's raining outside right now, and the steady drumming of the icy droplets on my windowpane is mesmerizing. I like the rain. Something as simple as water falling from the heavens proves to be utterly complex and essential. The water is necessary for the grass to grow and for trees to blossom; without it, the spring tulips and daffodils would not bloom. It washes away the grit and grime of the world. Still, there remains something inherently depressing about the rain. While it's raining, everything looks shriveled and weak. The leaves on the trees hang limp, and droop with the burdensome weight of the water. The sky is bleak and grey, and the sun stays hidden and out of sight. Even the sound of the rain is slow and labored, as if it would rather be doing something more fun. Rain makes people hide. Whether under their umbrellas or watching from their studies, people wait for the rain to clear. When the rain clears, life begins to return to the world. Until then, I'll continue to watch the chubby pellets of water splash down on the damp and dingy windowsill.

Tomorrow the snow comes. And I'm tired. But there's a stuffed alligator waiting for me in my bedroom. I think we'll cuddle up together and listen to the rain.

Goodnight.

Bookends Theme

Time it was, and what a time it was, it was
A time of innocence, a time of confidences
Long ago, it must be, I have a photograph
Preserve your memories, they're all that's left you.

Disturbing Memory...

2006-01-19T22:19:00.000-05:00

Yeah, so I'm in a weird mood right now. I was going through some old paperwork in my study, and came across a letter I wrote back in July. Suffice it to say that this letter was somewhat disturbing, and I am not sure what I should think about it, let alone what I should do with the letter. I'm not sure what caused me to write it, and I'd rather not see it; however, I think it might be important for me to save. There is something in me that is keeping me from throwing it away.

God, I hate coming across these things...

Wasting Time In Class

2006-01-19T17:34:00.000-05:00

So yeah, I'm sitting in my History of Women class right now (though the professor has yet to show) and I am wondering why I chose to come to class tonight. I'm really not planning on paying attention that closely, and I am instead choosing to blog and do homework for ENG 112. These are things I could do at home, and probably more effectively, because I would be able to concentrate, instead of this half-listening, half-other stuff thing I am doing right now.

I think I'm just frustrated today. I'm glad I came to UM-Flint, because I've met some really great people I wouldn't have otherwise met. I never expected to meet new friends here, but I have, and it's great. I don't know how I would have made it here without them. You know who you are, new friends. Pat yourself on the back.

I just can't help but feel that somehow I should be doing something else. I thought that I would be done with college at this point in my life, and the fact that I am taking classes pisses me off just a little bit. I was supposed to be making a really good living at this point, paying back my student loans and making a really good living. I find myself not making very much money, and still spending my time taking classes. I wouldn't mind just working, or just taking classes, but doing both is really starting to wear me out.

Brent told me that there is an engagement party at Phill and Anita's house on Saturday afternoon. I am excited to see everyone, but still a bit apprehensive. As much as I like everyone, I don't seem to do too well in large crowds. I'm just so self-conscious, and afraid that I am going to say something dumb or inappropriate, or that no one will like me. I'm such a stupid boy sometimes.

I guess I'm just tired. I just want to be done with work and class for the week, so I can lay on the couch and watch The West Wing. That's all I really want to do right now. Oh well.

I think I'll do some online shopping right now. I'm getting bored with blogging for now.

Overbearing as usual...

2006-01-15T11:46:00.000-05:00

So, once again I think I've been over-demanding with a new friend...why can't I just things make a natural progress, instead of pushing so hard? If things were meant to be, they would happen...if not, then it wasn't meant to be. I hate that about myself. I hate that I push so hard that I scare off friends, who think that I am needy or pushy or demanding. So I think I'll try to back off a little, and let things progress as they were meant to, instead of overdoing it.

Not much else going on. I am typing this message from home, which means that I now have a new computer. I'm pretty excited about it. I got a new laptop, and it feels so nice to have a nice computer that works. I've even been using it at work, which is pretty nice. There was a long meeting the other day, about stuff that I didn't really need to know. So, I brought the lappy, and got a lot of my correspondence done in the span of time that would otherwise have been wasted. How cool.

I've added a fourth class for the semester. That means that I have 1 actual on-campus class, and three "non-traditional" classes: 2 independent studies, and an online class. It's pretty cool, though, because I have "the Cakers" for all three of them. It's pretty cool. I think it's going to be a good semester.

Stuff at work is still irritating, though it's gotten better. Friday was a pretty good day, so I am hoping that things continue to improve. I just get so tired of taking the blame when someone else doesn't do their job. I hate picking up the slack, especially when no one else recognizes that the other person is not doing their job. Arrgh!

I think there's going to be a Cakers' Fan Club reunion next weekend, and I am a bit apprehensive: the apartment is an armpit right now, and I am hoping that I have enough time to get it ship-shape before the suaree. I'd be so embarassed if everyone saw what a hovel I live in, I think I would die. I guess I'd better get cracking this week after I get home from work. I guess a week is long enough to get things in order.

I've been on a buying binge this weekend. It scares me. I went out yesterday, and I bought a new sweater/fleece thing, a pair of jeans, a pair of shoes, a bookcase and a movie cabinet for the apartment, 3 new CDs, 2 books, groceries that I didn't need, a bunch of stuff at Pier One, and I ate out for 2 meals yesterday, not to mention the fact that I am buying a new desk and file cabinet today, in addition to all the stuff I need to do to get the apartment in top notch shape. I guess I'll just have to hurry up and get the stuff for the house, and then stop buying. I need to use my willpower. Does anybody have some I can borrow?

I had a fun day yesterday. I met my dad for breakfast, and then we went grocery shopping. It was really fun. I haven't been able to hang out with just my dad in a long time, so it was kinda nice to be able to spend a few hours with him. Then, I left the grocery store, and went on my buying binge. After I spent like $300, I came home and took a nap, because spending is a tiring business. I called Bradley around 4:30, and we met for coffee and more shopping around 5:30. Then I came home and started putting together furniture, which is always a hoot. Went to bed late. Got up late. Weekends are great, but they never last long enough.

I talked to Millie a little bit ago, and she might be able to swing in and see me tomorrow on her way back up to school. Friggin YEAH! I miss her so much. I was going to go to Mount Pleasant this weekend, but stuff came up, as it always does. Poop. I'll try to make it up there in the next month or so.

I need to get a shower, and I think I'm going out to visit Amanda in a little bit. Maybe she won't have had lunch, and I'll be able to hang and have lunch. Or maybe I'll just say hi and talk for a minute, and then scoot, so I don't bother her. I guess I'll just play it by ear.

Yay for a half day of work tomorrow. I'm using half a day's vacation to come home and take a nap. Woot.

Should I Be Offended?

2006-01-05T13:09:00.000-05:00

So I had an interesting encounter with my boss today. I'm not sure how to take it. I woke up this morning, and I had a terrible stomach ache, and I was spending an awful lot of time in the bathroom when I got up (I won't go into any more detail than that). So, I called the office and told the receptionist that I would be in around 10:00, because I was having some personal issues and needed a few minutes to pull myself together and see if I could be away from the toilet for more than five minutes. I seriously hadn't been off the phone for more than two minutes when my boss called. She said she had some concerns about my use of sick days (as you no doubt remember, I was sick for two days right before Christmas, and had to be off for two days) and I needed to remember that I was still a probationary employee, even though I had been made permanent. I told her that I understood, and that I would be in as soon as I could. So, I threw my clothes on (I'd already taken a shower, but decided I didn't need to wear a tie to poop), jumped in the car, and made it to the office by 8:50, less than an hour after I was supposed to be there. In the first two hours I was at the office, I had to run to the bathroom 4 times, and I also threw up in my trash can.

I tell you all of this to ask a question: should I be offended that my judgment was questioned in the use of my allotted sick time? True, I have only been a permanent employee for two working weeks, and yes, I have taken two days and 1 hour of sick time. However, these were legitimate illnesses, not me playing sick so that I wouldn't have to come to the office. If they were, I would be the first one to say that I was in the wrong, and should have just come to work. But, since I was sick on both accounts, I think I am somewhat justified in being offended and frustrated that my judgment was called into question over these issues. I'm trying to be patient, because I can see where someone would be concerned over this perceived "absenteeism," but I remain frustrated that I am gaining notoriety for things that are beyond my control.

Phew. It feels good to get that off my chest. Okay, so now on to more enjoyable subjects. I met Amanda and Bradley and Bradley's entourage at Border's for coffee Tuesday night, and it was really fun. We sat for seriously like three hours and just talked and joked and made everyone uncomfortable. It was great. It's been so long, I'd almost forgotten how much fun it is to just chill in the coffee shop and do nothing. Bradley's friends are cool, and we had a really good time. I even shared some of my poetry and short stories with Bradley and Amanda, something that I was surprised that I did. I usually don't share that stuff with anyone, and I can't believe that I actually let them read that stuff. Maybe I am growing more comfortable with myself as a writer and as a person. That would be really cool.

So then, yesterday, I went and saw Amanda at work, to keep her company. It was so much fun. I got to meet her mommy, who seems really cool. She totally gave me like 4 hugs in the time I was sitting there talking to her. How awesome. So then, Ryan came up to hang out for a while, and then Amanda and I went to Target and did random shopping for an hour. It was great. I'm going back tonight, and it should be awesome.

So, I'm not sure what the plan is for this weekend, but I think that I'm going to hang with Ryan and Amanda, and I'll probably also see what Bradley has going on. I am shooting to have a Cakers' Club reunion the first weekend after the beginning of the semester, but I don't know how that will work out. I'd like to have it this weekend, but I have so much left to do with the apartment, and no money to throw a party. The refund check should be in by the following weekend, so I'll have money to throw a proper party. What kind of hostess would I be if I threw a shoddy party? Emily Post would never forgive me.

I miss my friends from Central. You will always be a part of me. I'll be thinking about you until we meet again.

I'm excited about my new friends: you're awesome. Thanks for choosing to be a part of my life.

Ta-ta.

It's So Hard To Come Back From Break

2006-01-03T17:19:00.000-05:00

As much fun as it is to have 10 days off from work, it just makes it so hard to come back. Now, don't get me wrong: I love my job, and I love the people I work with. However, after having 10 days to lay around and do nothing, it's hard to get out of bed at 6:45 and leave my warm house and warm bed to venture out into the cold outside to make it to the office. Not to mention the fact that our office was busy as hell today, and it was nearly impossible to get anything done, though there are about 12 projects that I am in the middle of right now. Arrgh! I almost wish that I would have worked through the holidays, just so that there wasn't such a mess to come back to.

As hectic as it was, the break was hectic, too. I had company for the entire break, aside from three (maybe four) nights where I was all alone in the house. I actually had to wait for break to end to have a break. Isn't that funny? Oh well. I enjoyed having friends visit, especially during the holidays. Christmas, especially this Christmas, is usually a somewhat depressing time of year for me, and it always makes it easier when those you love are there for comfort and support. I think I just have such high expectations for the holiday, that when things don't go as planned, it bums me out. I'm learning, however, that nothing is perfect and I need to relax and let what happens, happen.

I was happy with my Christmas gifts this year, though there was nothing overly exciting or fun. It amazes me that as we get older, Christmas becomes more about what we need than what we want. This year, the only thing I got that I wanted was Robert Ludlum's The Bourne Supremacy, while I got other things I needed, such as pajamas, slacks, socks, a blanket for my new chair, a day planner, and some money. These are wonderful gifts, but they weren't by any means "fun" items. That's my point: as we get older, we ask for things that we need rather than things we want. I think I know why that is, though. Now that I am an adult and have a job, I go out and buy things when I want them. Unlike when I was a kid, I have the money to buy things I want, and I don't have to wait for Christmas to ask my parents to buy these things for me. I guess this could be a good or a bad thing. It's good, because I can have almost anything I want, whenever I want. It's bad, though, because there's nothing left for me to get when Christmas comes around, and I end up asking for clothes or other things I need, but haven't gotten around to purchasing yet. Oh well. Such is the life of an adult.

Is anyone else pissed that there was no snow for Christmas? I woke up and looked out my window, and I was furious. How could it be Christmas if there was no snow? Not only that, but I didn't get any of my baking done this year, my Christmas cards didn't go out, and my family celebrated Christmas on the 24th. So, I woke up to a rainy, ugly day, only to spend it by myself. Bah Humbug!

Well, like I said, I'm back to work today, and now that I'm here, it hasn't been too bad. I spent most of the day in my office working on things, and I did have a couple of short meetings I had to go to. I'm done for the day now, and I'm just wrapping up a few things before I run home. I'm excited; I get to hang out with Amanda and Ryan and Bradley tonight around 8. We're meeting at Borders for coffee and conversation, and it'll be fun to hang with the crew. I've got to try to not spend money, though, as there's not that much in the coffers to spend right now.

Well, this is starting to ramble, so I'm going to cut it short for now. Hopefully, I'll get a chance to write more tomorrow.

A Change of Scenery

2005-12-14T13:27:00.000-05:00

Okay, so this is going to be weird for a while. I'm transitioning my blog from Xanga (because I think I'm outgrowing it) to Blogspot (because I'm a total poser/follower and that's what some of my friends use). I don't know how I get these ideas in my head, but once they get lodged in my thick skull, they're impossible to forget. The point of all of this: I will only be posting to Xanga for a short while longer, and then I am going to transition completely to my Blogspot account {http://supermatty1982.blogspot.com/}. For the next month or so, I'll be posting the same messages to both, and then, eventually, the Xanga account will be relegated to the category of "Things I've Started Online That Are Floating Around in Cyberspace As Cyber-Garbage." So yeah. You're warned. Bye-bye, Xanga. You've been a good friend, but as with any good friend, the time has come for me to kick you to the curb.

Now to the meat and potatoes...what's been going on in Matty's world. For those of you I haven't talked to in months, I took a job at the University of Michigan-Flint, in the admissions office. It's a pretty fun job, and I get to work with a lot of interesting people on some pretty intense and in-depth projects, which I love. The only way it would be better is if someone paid me to do academic research. Oh, professorship, how I long for thee! In addition to work, I've been going to school full time, working on a second bachelor's degree (no, I'm not an idiot) to bring up my grade point for graduate school (no, I'm still not an idiot). After graduate school, I'm looking at finishing a PhD (I'm REALLY not an idiot) so I can teach at university. I mean, seriously, they're going to pay me to read and write about things that interest me, and I only have to come to work 2 days a week (okay, so maybe they won't give me tenure right off the bat...but it'll come eventually). I've even made some new friends, despite my prediction that I would end up a friendless loser workaholic who lived alone with his birds and "The Lawrence Welk Show." They're really cool, and I'm starting to feel at home in Flint. It turns out there IS life after Mount Pleasant (who would have thought?).

The job in admissions was temporary until the middle of last week, when I was offered the job on a permanent basis. My first official day was today, and I had orientation this morning. So now, instead of relaxing tonight when I go home from work, I have to sift through the mountain of paperwork about my health insurance, dental, vision, legal, retirement, vacation time, sick time, payroll, leaves of absence, etc. etc. etc. Oh my gosh. I thought there was a lot of reading in my job: I didn't know there would be so much reading ABOUT my job. Oh well. I guess I SHOULD be thinking about retirement. I mean, it's only 35 years away. Holy cow.
I went to visit Karen after work as usual on Friday, and then I went to Mount Pleasant to pick up Eddie, who came to visit for the weekend. I loved it. I hadn't seen him in so long, and I really missed him. It was so nice to spend the weekend together, and he totally helped me finish cleaning and decorating the apartment. Finally, after 4 months, it looks like a home, someplace you'd actually want to spend some time. The tree is up, the decorations are all over the place, and it looks fantastic. I couldn't have done it without him. I'm so excited, we're going to make plans for the week after Christmas, and he might be able to come back for a few days, which would be awesome. I wish he never had to leave .

We had the Cakers Fan Club Christmas Party sans Heidi and Cathy. It was awesome. We ordered pizza from Latina's, and Eddie and I bought all kinds of stuff to snack on. We just sat around and ate and talked for like four hours, and it was awesome. I loved spending time just hanging out. It made me feel like my old self. I just wish Cathy and Heidi could have made it, but there's always next time!

Eric was home for the weekend, and we got to hang out Saturday and Sunday. It was so cool. Eddie and I had a great time with him (as always), and we had a hoot shopping both days. I'm just dreading the bill from my Marshall Field's charge, though. I almost melted the plastic I used it so much.

So anyways, that's my life. The computer at home is dead right now, so I don't know when I'll get a chance to update again. Hopefully Brenty can fix the Beast, and she'll be back up and running in the next few days. If not, I hope you all have a wonderful holiday!